Let me rant a little...

What is it with women always trying to get what does not belong to them? Not only that but why do they have to act so damn desperate? I mean to try and grind up on a man that is married is one thing, but to let that man be your "friend's" husband is something entirely different! I may have class and I may have been raised as a lady to have respect for others, and myself, but please believe I was raised, as the only girl in a house full of rough neck boys who took no prisoners and made sure I didn't either. My mama taught me to demand respect and always give it! Like I said disrespect will get you hurt, especially if you are someone I trust and you abuse that trust! A lesson that seems to always repeat itself no matter how old you are is the one about watching your friends. Why is it that women always go after each other?
I try to not to sweat the little stuff. You know comments about the way my man looks and what he has made by other women don't faze me much. When we were friends I was protective-- not as much as he was, but still-- of him. Now that we're married it's a very different ball game. I trust my man to never hurt me the way other guys have. To be so young and inexperienced I've had a lot of heartache involving men, not just boyfriends. You know how they say a girl marries a man like her father? That's not true for all of us, because some of us are trying to get away from men like that. But I guess you could say I married a man like my pops, my stepfather. They have a lot of similarities that I'm just now learning. I had a lot of mistrust for men who weren't my family... you know what amazes me? How is it that a woman who is struggling for 11 years to raise three kids by herself meets a man who not only loves and adores her, but her kids too? A man that let a little girl scream and fight against the very idea of him, yet never leave and never make her feel bad for feeling that way. My pops is not a saint and he has a lot of dirt, but I would never trade him for my birth father. I know that's rough, but that's how I feel. I didn't even invite that man to my wedding, I don't see him and don't want to. I sometime get the urge to go see him and reintroduce him to my life, but every time I've done that it has blown up it my face. Not just a little blow up, no I'm talking about Hiroshima WW II type blow up. But at least I am no longer mad at him. Before I got married I had a talk with my granny and it made a lot of sense. How could I try to enter into a new venture blessed when I had unfinished business? I couldn't so I made my peace with him. I told him about my impending marriage and the joy and happiness I had found, I also told him I no longer needed the heartache of a relationship with him. I don't need a Daddy; I have a Pops. The man who, when you said, "Don't worry about your homecoming dress and stuff, I got that." even let me go and pick out a dress and everything then decided the day before my first homecoming that you no longer wanted to "have it", picked up your slack and ended up doing it better than you could have. I was able to find that type of man and hold on to him without knowing it.

Whew I feel better now...

For the past couple of years I've volunteered my time at my local community center. I was so happy when I moved back home because I was able to continue that, but let me tell you there are times when I wish I didn't volunteer. I work, go to school, plus take care of my husband than I take time out of my day that I really don't have to be in a source of positive influence to a group of young ladies who sometimes don't even want me around. I try to be there for those girls as much as I can, but I can't ignore my family. I want to help and I am more than willing to sacrafice my personal time to be there for them because they need someone. One of the girls I have taken a special interest in because she has a lot of problems at home. I mean there is little support for her. But as much as I want to be her friend, her mother is not the type of person... she's not a good person in my eyes. How her daughter became the type of person she is, is a true testament that there is a higher power that looks over people in need. I have more to say but I gotta go.

My opinions have been changed... The young lady's mother and I had a very heated argument that turned into a really informative nice talk. The mother and I had gotten into it because her daughter has been running away and she's come over to my apartment. I've taken her back home each time or at the very least made her call her mother. Anyway I guess mom wasn't happy with my interference in her child's life because she came to my job... not the center, but my place of business. I wasn't too thrilled with that and I let it be known. We ended up getting into this massive argument about why I was trying to become involved in the girl's life. Anyway what stopped us was, she broke down. She started crying and saying how she just couldn't be the type of mother her daughter needed because she didn't know how. She said that this young lady is so different from her eldest daughter that she has no clue on how to relate to her. We spent a good amount of time and I ended up recommending my friend who is a child/ family psychologist. I didn't know that by wanting to open my heart to a girl who reminds me of my mother and self, I would be able to really help her family also. I just hope that her mother actually goes to the appointments and things and tries some of the things my friend offers.

Sometimes I have dreams that make no sense... while other times I have dreams that tell me more than I wanted to know. I got a phone call from a very good friend of mine from childhood that I haven't spoken to in years, not since we were sixteen. Anyway, she reminded me of this dream I had about her.

While we were still in high school my friend got pregnant. She told another girl, her boyfriend and me. She didn't even tell her parents initially. Anyway, the other girl she had told was suppose to be her very best friend at the time. So, she would tell her everything, even stuff she didn't tell me. Well, she didn't know that girl was a blabbermouth. Everything that my friend was telling her, I heard from another girl. About a month and a half after she told me she was pregnant I started to have this dream about her. She would be standing in the middle of this white room talking and laughing with the other girl, then all of a sudden she'd start looking really sick and this red spot would appear on her stomach; she'd touch the spot and her hands became covered with the red substance, then she would reach out her hand to the other girl, but the other girl wouldn't touch her instead a crowd appeared and she walked into the crowd ands started whispering and pointing at my friend, soon the whole crowd was doing it while my friend stood there with her stomach area was covered with the red substance.
Well, the first time I had that dream, I called my friend and asked her if she was okay... she said she was fine. I had the dream three nights in a row. I would call her the very next day and after the first day, she didn't answer. When I went to school on the third day, a friend of mine came to me and said, "You know, Kay is in the hospital. T said she had a miscarriage day before yesterday."
I went to see her at home. At first she wouldn't tell me why she was in the hospital, although I could tell because she looked horrible and sad. So I told her about my dreams and then she told me she lost the baby and that the other girl was with her when she did. I told her I already knew that because someone told me and that girl got her information from her friend.

That single event seemed to make my friendship rocky with her. I understood because sometimes I tell people stuff they don't want to hear about people they don't want to hear it about. Anyway now my friend is pregnant again and I had a dream about her a couple of nights ago, she was at the park just standing by a slide smiling, then this beautiful little girl comes sliding down and into my friends arms. She looked so happy. I called her yesterday and told her about this dream and she cried. She gets to find out the sex of the baby today and said she would call me. I'm pretty sure she's having a girl, but who knows right. I'm happy for my friend, I'm happy that I can call her that again. I believe that you see a lot in your dreams and they say a lot as well. I'm the type of person who believes in my dreams, even though I understand that they are not real. I just think people shouldn't dismiss a dream because you never know what it is trying to tell you.

My stpe father has been getting on my nerves recently and I'm trying to be patient and just keep my distance, but I have recently lost a lot of respect for him. He's just been lying to my mother about stuff that doesn't even make sense. He even went as far as to basically call my great-grandmother crazy. My granny told my mother she saw something that my step-father had because it resembled something my mom had gotten for my little brother. Well when my mother asked him he says, you know granny's old and don't know what she's talking about. Then later my little brother told the truth and do you know that he is still lying to this day. Then there are simple things that he blows up for no reason other than to have an arguement with my mother. I'm telling you it's getting crazy.

I just got home not too long ago and decided to check a few of the forums that I frequent. I wish I had saved that for another time. I am so, so, so very disappointed in some black women. Why? Because I am sick to death of us tearing each other down in the name of "enlightenment". Who are you to tell a black woman she isn't "black enough" or basically not fit to call herself a black woman because of who she chooses to date, the way she wears her hair, or any other thing she does differently from you? Who died and made you the authority on what's "black enough"? And what the hell is "black enough" anyways? You mean because I don't take every available opportunity to tell the world what the white man did wrong (like they don't already know) I'm not down for the cause? Or because a woman chooses not limit her options for love just because you say that black is for black? I always hear about how black women say we need to come together and stand strong as women and yet in the very next moment you hear a sister refer to another in a way that is completely disrespectful, not just to her but any and every other woman as well. Where do we get off telling women that because they choose to straighten their hair that they aren't proud to be black and have deep psychological issues that stem from European beauty standards? Or telling a woman that chooses to wear her hair naturally she is therefore less beautiful and needs a hot comb? Come on, somebody help me understand why hair even makes a damned difference when we have so many other things to overcome! Does anyone else realize that we make those disgusting words that men use to describe us popular? Two men have called me a bitch and no man has ever referred me to as hoe, but I have to set a new sister straight every other day that I am neither a bitch nor a hoe. Tell me how we got here! We are so busy nitpicking at crap that doesn't even matter that we are losing the bigger picture! How can we demand that the brothers respect us when we don't even respect each other? Hell, some brothers have more respect for us than we have for each other and that is a shame. Black women, we have enough enemies without out adding ourselves to the list. Stop tearing a sister down because of nonsense, its not worth it. You can't hold everybody to your personal standards. That is why they are called "personal" standards, because they are for you and not everybody. It hurts so bad to know that the very people who should sympathize with you and help rebuild you are the ones who are trying to break you in any way possible. Black women, some of us need to grow up. You are not in high school anymore; stop acting like it. While I'm at it... older generation, you are still around so you can teach and guide the younger generations, please accept your role. Stop writing kids off because they're being kids! They're doing their job, now you do yours. You can't expect all of them to listen, but you have to take the time to find the ones that are willing to. Not all kids are bad... the new generations are not all bad, they're just looking for their guides...

I've got more to say, but this Sleepy time Tea is kicking in and I can barely hold my eyes open. Thanks for letting my vent.

I think this is long overdue, in the sense that someone should have said this a long time ago and not just here but in my everyday life as well...

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GROW THE HELL UP!!!!! OR HOW ABOUT ACTING YOUR DAMN AGE?!?! OR ARE YOU REALLY LITTLE KIDS IN THE PARK SAYING, "I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I...?"!!! GROW UP AND LET IT GO!!! OMG, GROW UP, GROW UP, GROW THE FLIP UP!!!!! GROW UP, GROW UP AND ACT YOUR DAMN AGE!!!! and if you can't do that then stay out of adult conversations. Or remember that you are an adult and don't need to stoop to childish name-calling, nitpicking, and assaulting another person’s beliefs! You have struggled through what you have in order to gain wisdom...use that wisdom to act your age!! Trust it is really not that hard to let something that is trivial go. Trust it will not kill you not to respond to ignorance or baiting!! Yes, some people do just say and do stuff to get a reaction from you... you can win a situation like that by simply....... NOT FREAKING RESPONDING!!!!! Goodness, why must you go back and forth with a person attacking them for what they believe because they don't think the same way that you do? Or because someone is more passionate or verbal about his or her cause than you are about yours. Goodness gracious, you realize too late that the time you spent arguing with someone is time taken from something much more pleasurable to you. Sometimes, you should stay and make your point known, but what does stating your point and calling someone an "illiterate POS!" have to do with each other? That's right you got it, nothing at all... the two have nothing to do with each other. Sometime it really is better to take the high road. But in order to even know what the high road is you have to do what? GROW THE FREAK UP!!!


So the phrase of the day is... GROW UP! Try it... it really makes you a better person.
Once again thank you for letting me vent... today was not a great day.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tru2urself16,

~~Dream big...because any other way is a waste of time!!~~

quote:

Originally posted by tru2urself16:
I think this is long overdue, in the sense that someone should have said this a long time ago and not just here but in my everyday life as well...

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GROW THE HELL UP!!!!! OR HOW ABOUT ACTING YOUR DAMN AGE?!?! OR ARE YOU REALLY LITTLE KIDS IN THE PARK SAYING, "I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I...?"!!! GROW UP AND LET IT GO!!! OMG, GROW UP, GROW UP, GROW THE FLIP UP!!!!! GROW UP, GROW UP AND ACT YOUR DAMN AGE!!!! and if you can't do that then stay out of adult conversations. Or remember that you are an adult and don't need to stoop to childish name-calling, nitpicking, and assaulting another person’s beliefs! You have struggled through what you have in order to gain wisdom...use that wisdom to act your age!! Trust it is really not that hard to let something that is trivial go. Trust it will not kill you not to respond to ignorance or baiting!! Yes, some people do just say and do stuff to get a reaction from you... you can win a situation like that by simply....... NOT FREAKING RESPONDING!!!!! Goodness, why must you go back and forth with a person attacking them for what they believe because they don't think the same way that you do? Or because someone is more passionate or verbal about his or her cause than you are about yours. Goodness gracious, you realize too late that the time you spent arguing with someone is time taken from something much more pleasurable to you. Sometimes, you should stay and make your point known, but what does stating your point and calling someone an "illiterate POS!" have to do with each other? That's right you got it, nothing at all... the two have nothing to do with each other. Sometime it really is better to take the high road. But in order to even know what the high road is you have to do what? GROW THE FREAK UP!!!


So the phrase of the day is... GROW UP! Try it... it really makes you a better person.
Once again thank you for letting me vent... today was not a great day.

"WIAW!"

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tru2urself16,

"Don't talk about it: BE ABOUT IT!"

"To BE One, ASK ONE!" -OES

quote:

Originally posted by ShayaButHer:

quote:

Originally posted by tru2urself16:
I think this is long overdue, in the sense that someone should have said this a long time ago and not just here but in my everyday life as well...

SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GROW THE HELL UP!!!!! OR HOW ABOUT ACTING YOUR DAMN AGE?!?! OR ARE YOU REALLY LITTLE KIDS IN THE PARK SAYING, "I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I...?"!!! GROW UP AND LET IT GO!!! OMG, GROW UP, GROW UP, GROW THE FLIP UP!!!!! GROW UP, GROW UP AND ACT YOUR DAMN AGE!!!! and if you can't do that then stay out of adult conversations. Or remember that you are an adult and don't need to stoop to childish name-calling, nitpicking, and assaulting another person’s beliefs! You have struggled through what you have in order to gain wisdom...use that wisdom to act your age!! Trust it is really not that hard to let something that is trivial go. Trust it will not kill you not to respond to ignorance or baiting!! Yes, some people do just say and do stuff to get a reaction from you... you can win a situation like that by simply....... NOT FREAKING RESPONDING!!!!! Goodness, why must you go back and forth with a person attacking them for what they believe because they don't think the same way that you do? Or because someone is more passionate or verbal about his or her cause than you are about yours. Goodness gracious, you realize too late that the time you spent arguing with someone is time taken from something much more pleasurable to you. Sometimes, you should stay and make your point known, but what does stating your point and calling someone an "illiterate POS!" have to do with each other? That's right you got it, nothing at all... the two have nothing to do with each other. Sometime it really is better to take the high road. But in order to even know what the high road is you have to do what? GROW THE FREAK UP!!!


So the phrase of the day is... GROW UP! Try it... it really makes you a better person.
Once again thank you for letting me vent... today was not a great day.

"WIAW!"

Glad to know I am not the only one feeling like that.

Side note: Sorry clicked the wrong button, I hit the edit button and not the reply button.

Last week I did something for the first time that I thought was really important... I had my first HIV/AIDS test. My husband and I got them together along with my little cousin. She made a mistake a while ago with a guy she met out of town and finally told me about it, I was shocked and told her off. Then, I talked her into going to get tested last week and she said she'd only go if I went and got tested, too. I told my husband and his response was, "It's about time for me to get tested again, I'll go with you." I asked why he still got tested when we were married and he knew I wasn't sleeping around on him. I'm glad I asked, he said that just because we were married and neither of was cheating it is still a good idea to get tested. He explained that they don't just test for that they test for other things as well. He then asked if after we have a child would I stop going for feminine check-ups. Of course I said no, which lead him to say it’s basically the same thing. Just because you decide to sleep with one person, doesn't mean you stop protecting yourself. I'm really glad I married someone who’s so intelligent and caring. While we were at the testing center there was a counselor there talking with those waiting to get tested. She talked to my cousin and told her how important it was that she came to get tested, that she thought enough of herself and life to want to protect herself with the knowledge of her status. We all came back negative, but the waiting scared my cousin so bad that she made a vow of celibacy. It gave me a way to get closer to my cousin and it also gave me a new subject to discuss with my girls group. I talked to them and told the importance of getting tested and being safe if you aren't abstaining. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I just wanted to share that with you all.

I feel like crying so badly... took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I felt it, I felt the morning sickness, the queasiness at all things food related, I felt my moodiness, slight weight gain...everything ... I felt it. I didn't realize how bad I really wanted a baby until now. My sister-in-law had her baby shower yesterday, my best friend had hers the day before, and I'm helping plan my sister's. Last week I ran into a lot of girls I used to hang around with in high school... all of them, but two have babies. I really have been fighting that feeling for years. You know that little feeling you get when you hold a baby, almost like you want know what its like to see this child grow everyday...see the first smile, hear the first laugh, even change the first diaper. I remember having that feeling in high school, but I just kept telling myself "School focus on school." Then it was, "Work focus on work and school and husband and you and... everything else, but that feeling." Now its like I want to focus on everything else, but more and more each day I spend a little more time in the daycare center or I just happen to end up looking at baby clothes and stuff when I'm supposed to be shopping for groceries. I even dream of babies. I thought I wanted that test to say negative because I thought I wanted to wait a while longer. I keep saying, "Why rush? After I graduate in December everything will good. We can try then or maybe even wait a while longer after I secure I job in my field." But that feeling just keeps bugging me. I see babies everywhere, like seriously when the hell did everybody start having babies all at once? Not only that but why in the hell everywhere I go there is either a pregnant woman or a baby? I mean I will go all out of my way to avoid them and still somewhere I see either or both and I get that feeling. I think the reason this test has bothered me so much is because inside I really, for the first time, wanted the test to be positive and it wasn't. You know, I know I'm young and we can still try, but that NOT PREGNANT broke my heart. Even though I lied to myself by saying yes and pretending to be happy, it wasn't real. Now at almost 2am I sitting here crying because I wasn't honest with myself. I wish I had went with my husband to Arizona, because hearing his voice wouldn't help as much as being around him and I need him. I want a baby so bad... I know I'll be a good mother and I want the chance.

Okay, senses regained, tears dried and smile back in place. Now I can go to sleep.
Thanks

Hey, everybody...

Ooh, almost lost my religion on this little girl today. I was at a stoplight waiting for it to change colors. Well, it did and I started driving, but I guess driving the speed limit wasn't fast enough for this child and her friend, because they tried to make a turn in front of me. She stopped when she realized that she wouldn't be able to do that safely without causing an accident. Anyway when I drove past her and that child said, "Watch where you going, ho!" While her friend called out, "Bitch!" Now my first instinct was to follow this little girl and whoop her and her friends tail, but instead. I made a u turn and followed her to the next light, parked next to her and said, "Little girl you don't know me, but let me tell you something if you ever call me out of my name again, I will whoop you behind like your mama should have. Understand something, this is a warning... the next person you call that name may not give you one." I could've bought that child for a penny. I tell you everybody is always in a hurry to get somewhere that ends up being nowhere. I know I probably shouldn't have done that, but little kids are entirely too disrespectful. That little girl was probably sixteen, I’m not sixteen you don't talk to me like that...you shouldn't talk to anyone like that. I was listening to this sermon from my granny's church and the preacher was telling parents how they need to teach their kids to respect themselves so that when they go out in these streets they'll respect everybody else.
Not too long ago this little 15 year old was killed because she and her older cousin were driving and went around a car parked in the street and said a couple smart comments. The man in the car followed them and when they got out the car he shot the 15 year old in the back and killed her. The problem is that too many of these kids think that can't happen to me and then when it does everything is too late. That little girl didn't know me from the woman on the moon and yet she felt invincible enough to say what she did. More problems are caused by smart mouthed kids then by just about anything else in my community.
Aside from that my city is going down hill...
An 18-month-old baby girl was found in an attic not far from where my birth father lives. The baby was supposed to be visiting her dad and his girlfriend, while the mother recovered from surgery. You know that the girlfriend claims she didn't know what happened to the baby...the father killed her! He killed that baby and stuffed her in the attic of his girlfriend’s house. That makes my heart ache. And this woman wants everyone to believe she didn't know what happened to her. But she admits to seeing the man carrying the baby into the backyard and she said that the baby wasn't moving. So when he came back into the house without that baby you didn't think to ask where’d the baby go? Of course not, because now she claims that she and her son were in the bedroom all day. I honestly think she is lying. Cases like that make me want to go ahead and take the LSAT’s and go to law school, because both of them deserve to be charged and convicted to the fullest extent of the law. Nothing would make me happier than to be the one to put them behind bars for the rest of their lives.
Okay, enough venting. I've got a date with a cute little 2 month old prince and a 3 week old princess. My wish for them is that they be protected from danger and able to enjoy a childhood better than mine.

It's 4:40a.m here and as much as I would have liked to continue sleeping it seems rather impossible. Mainly because I'm not at home in my bed, but instead I'm sleeping on a futon in my mother's basement listening to the aftermath of a very loud conversation between my mother, step father, and younger brother. I am not here because I really truly want to be, but more out of necessity. Seems that my little brother has almost succeed in pushing everyone in our family away. The only people he hasn't gotten into some type of major confrontation with are the older generations. My fear is that I can feel myself getting to a place where I don't really give a damn about him. Mainly because of all the pain and problems he continues to cause for my mother, a lady who in just about everybody's opinion has done so much for that boy that he should never speak to her the way that he does. I’m not going to lie and say that my mom and I always got along when I was a teenager, but I like to think that I always remembered who she was and what she had done for me. My little bro doesn't seem to give a damn about all that. His focus seems to be on his friends and their families. I've only been staying with my mom for about a week now and I want to knock my brother's head off. This boy comes in at all hours of the night, leaves at the crack of dawn if he comes back at all, and straight acts as if my mom doesn't exist. My older brother is the only one who is still in that "I think I can change/save him" mode. Me from the moment he put his hands on me I have been pretty much not in the mood for him. Right now I can't take this mess, I’m sick and I need to rest not knock my little brother both ways from Sunday. My mom, she works hard to give that boy everything and instead of being grateful and thankful, that little ingrate treats her as if she owes him this. That little boy is angry at the world for no damn reason. He never went hungry, without clothes, without shelter, without love, without family, without anything! I try to understand that he has major "daddy issues", but at some point you have got to let that shit go. How dare you make a woman who has tried to give you everything she could plus more pay for a no good asshole's inability to be what you thought he should? My older siblings and I all try to tell him that he should be glad, thankful even; that he didn't have that man in his life because he was so messed up. But every time it seems to fall on deaf ears. D keeps telling me that when the lord calls my mother home my brothers will be all I have of her. I know this and that is why I try to keep peace between us. My older brother and I have pretty much always been on good terms except for once when I was in middle school and thought I was grown enough to try to talk to some of his friends. As for little bro, and me from what everybody says we should have been twins. If he was hurt I cried, if I got in trouble we shared a punishment... mom said we were born best friends not just siblings. For the longest I believed that, went out of my way to give to him what I had and didn't have if he needed it more than I, but now I don't think so. Had someone told me that it would be my little brother that would be acting like this I would have probably cussed them out, maybe even popped them in the mouth for good measure and laughed it off. How wrong I would have been it seems. I think I'm going home today, I'll call my brother and tell him to come talk to Jay before I hurt him in the worse way. Ooh, I just got happy at the thought of getting a full nights sleep without getting woken up at four in the morning. I think I'm going to go ahead and pack my bag and go home now. Damn, why did I let my mother talk me into staying here in the first place? I've been missing out on sleep and my husband, this is not the way to get over an illness, trust me.

Open your heart to find your soul and let that lead you to your purpose. Follow your purpose to the people who sorround it and don't fight just love it. Toss the self-doubt up into the air, let it fall where it may and shake it from your hair and remember the impossible wouldn't exist without it first being possible. Open your heart and find your soul and let it lead you to yourself. Follow that someone to the one who makes you better. Release the restraints holding you in and place your trust in your beginning. Treasures of your heart and soul beating to a personal note. Words truer never have I spoke.