hungry4more ...

I believe that ultimately, it is human nature to want to have as a partner someone who makes you happy ... someone who complements you and brings you comfort and joy and makes you feel good when you're with them. And there is no race of people who have a lock on that. Specific personal preferences not withstanding, there are some people who date outside of their own race because they take their happiness when and where they find it.

Of course, it's no secret that I LOOVVVE Black men. My world revolves around them. And I can't imagine dating anything but. However, if another of my specific personal preferences happens to be that I prefer a man who is a gentlman, that type of man is not that way because he is Black (or White or purple) ... but because he has home training!! His momma (or daddy) taught him how to treat a woman. Something like that crosses racial lines, and if that's what makes me happy and I'm looking for happiness, and I find in on the other side of the fence, why should I deny myself that? Or better yet, what I really can't understand is why should other people want to deny that for me?

I agree with xxGambitxx ... discontent is unnecessary. Life is way too short to have it ... or even the possibility of it be a consistent occurrence. That is unhappiness, and I haven't met one person who seeks that for themselves. Due to there being so many of those "sistas that need attitude adjustments" (or there brotha counterparts!) I can't blame anybody for taking advantage of enjoying happiness if they find it no matter who it's with.

First off I agree with EbonyRose's sentiments.

As far as this...

quote:

Originally posted by hungry4more:
A white guy told me that white women who date black men are the kind of females white men don't want. I am not sure if that is true, but if it is, does that mean brothas are getting "sloppy seconds"?

And Thank you HonestBrother.
hungry4more.... I'd like to comment. White men or women are no more monolithic in their thoughts and choices than any other cultural group. We're all individuals.

I suggest that comment says more about "those white men" being intimidated or having racial issues themselves about dating a white woman - or any other woman - who dates outside her race... than anything to do with the woman herself. People in love will always follow their heart - if it feels 'right' to be with a person, then usually it is right.

Stereotypes that group all behaviours of/and/or culture groups together are illogical. I've read so many "white people (men or women) do [fill in the blank]" enough times on this board but I never comment because it is laughable. No doubt if you flip the script, you'll find laughable - if not distressing - the stereotypes you hear about your culture.

It's all nonsense... people are individuals and make different choices and have different experiences. Some, but not all people are on 'autopilot'.

If 'you' choose to believe/accept a stereotype you probably will believe it until 'you' have your own experience with it.

Each of us has to make our own decisions and choices in life and love. We can look around at others' experiences, but ultimately each new relationship really is a new page. New options, new possibilities, new choices. Unless of course 'we' drag in past baggage and attitude and sabotage it.

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
hungry4more ...

I believe that ultimately, it is human nature to want to have as a partner someone who makes you happy ... someone who complements you and brings you comfort and joy and makes you feel good when you're with them. And there is no race of people who have a lock on that. Specific personal preferences not withstanding, there are some people who date outside of their own race because they take their happiness when and where they find it.

Of course, it's no secret that I LOOVVVE Black men. My world revolves around them. And I can't imagine dating anything but. However, if another of my specific personal preferences happens to be that I prefer a man who is a gentlman, that type of man is not that way because he is Black (or White or purple) ... but because he has home training!! His momma (or daddy) taught him how to treat a woman. Something like that crosses racial lines, and if that's what makes me happy and I'm looking for happiness, and I find in on the other side of the fence, why should I deny myself that? Or better yet, what I really can't understand is why should other people want to deny that for me?

I agree with xxGambitxx ... discontent is unnecessary. Life is way too short to have it ... or even the possibility of it be a consistent occurrence. That is unhappiness, and I haven't met one person who seeks that for themselves. Due to there being so many of those "sistas that need attitude adjustments" (or there brotha counterparts!) I can't blame anybody for taking advantage of enjoying happiness if they find it no matter who it's with.

Excellent points.

The only thing I would disagree with is that another person can make you happy (or unhappy). Happiness is an inside job. No one of any race can give you peace and serenity, (which is my definition of happiness.) It has to be nutured from within.

Also sistas needing attitude adjustments and brothas dating outside of their race should be two separate issues. However, the argument goes like this: "black women are [fill in the blanks with negatives] therefore I date outside my race." Makes no sense to me. Choose who you want to be with, and stop blaming people you don't want to be with for your choices.

And to whomever said black love is dead, I respectfully disagree. There are black men and women throughout this planet who love, cherish, will fight FOR EACH other forever. Thank God.

www.robynwrites.com

quote:

Originally posted by hungry4more:
The only thing I would disagree with is that another person can make you happy (or unhappy). Happiness is an inside job. No one of any race can give you peace and serenity, (which is my definition of happiness.) It has to be nutured from within.

Also sistas needing attitude adjustments and brothas dating outside of their race should be two separate issues. However, the argument goes like this: "black women are [fill in the blanks with negatives] therefore I date outside my race." Makes no sense to me. Choose who you want to be with, and stop blaming people you don't want to be with for your choices.

And to whomever said black love is dead, I respectfully disagree. There are black men and women throughout this planet who love, cherish, will fight FOR EACH other forever. Thank God.

www.robynwrites.com

But, I wasn't talking about happiness in a personal sense ... I was thinking more of a relationship/companionship type of happiness. After all, if you're going to share your time and space with somebody else, it doesn't make sense to spend it with someone who makes you miserable most of the time.

I liked it. The skit was a little unrealistic but I think it got the message across. There are some "Tired Black Men" who are not into drama and confrontations. It appears like this brother was one of them.

I will still say it, judging by some of the things i have read, that we as a people, are more jealous about the next man / woman, then we are focused on fixing what is wrong with us. Meaning that we are quick to get pissed about any type of situation which would involve another of our kind, being happy.

Hating,, wether it is with some money.. Or a white significant other.(i dont know why white is the biggest issue),, Wether the car is better, newer..

I live in Detroit, and i tell you. i hate it now. And i grew up here. women of color here, have huge chips on their shoulders. Big time attitudes.. I am a consultant, but when i walk to lunch, (New Center Area), i wear my trusty Gortex JAcket , Courtesy of the USMC.. New Center, is home to the Detroit Public schools, HQ, a Hospital, as well as a Nursing assistant School. I talk to people all the time, when i come within 5 feet. Hey, how you doing,, etc.. Not trying to TALK but being courtous. I get the nastiest stares, stupide looks all the time. No biggie. One day , had lunch with a customer, in the New Center building, a chinese restaurant. Naturally the client was a white woman. (Just happend to be). AND man , it is if, i commited murder. So many nasty stares, Proves my point. I am not good enough, to fully embrace, in conversation, YET i am worthy of getting nasty stares, SMirks, the whole package?

HEnce i dont date black women at all. Period. 1- Hate fat women, 2. hate women, with no degree..
Hate women with any type of SLANG in their voice. HATE women who Believe that they are better than anyone else..
Let the flames begin

HATE is such a strong word.

usually mouthed by people who build walls around themselves.

So... are you meeting lots of women who fit your critera?

Not fat, degrees oozing out their ears, caramel voices and subservient and self-conscious.

If you're happy with that then cool. Each to their own.

You know, you are right. I have had to build HUGE walls around me. After reading your post, I have to say i am wrong about a few things. HATE is a very strong word, let me re-phrase, that i dis-like, certain aspects of certain women, that i have seen. It is ironic, that my ideal woman, at the moment, has 0 degree, makes half of what i make, and has no focus on what she wants to do with the rest of her life.
But she accepts who i am, what i do, what i want, and have yet to question me, on anything financial, educational, about me. Her biggest questions so far, is what are we gonna do in the future......
She is white, Race has 0 issue in alot of my thoughts. More so, with up-bringing, morals, and sense of pride.
We as black people, lack a major understanding of simple things like, respect, wether self respect, or the respect of others. As a black man, i see it from black women, all the time.
"Why you with a white woman?" my answer- Why does it matter to you?
"Why are you trying to be better than everyone else" my answer- I am trying to be the best thtat i can be.
"Why you dress like a white guy" My answer- If i make 80k, i think i should look like i am worth 80k. Wearing slacks and a suit, shouldnt be the White Guy Look, all people should strive to be the best..

My problem, is that fat, fake haired, attitude ridden females, who dont know me, Attempt to judge me...

And in this skit, that has been the major feedback..
Someone had the nerve to quote 2pac? Yah good role model he was. What i saw from the skit, was a woman, AT HOME, complaining about a man, comming to pick up his kids, with another woman in the car.
Black women, see a ex, with a white woman in the car. if you got rid of the color, you saw a stingy woman, hateing a man, (That she clearly dumped), because he has moved on, and wants to be happy......

quote:

But she accepts who i am, what i do, what i want, and have yet to question me, on anything financial, educational, about me. Her biggest questions so far, is what are we gonna do in the future......

I think that's what most people want - to be with someone who loves and accepts 'you' for who you are and understands you... and vice versa. It's a tricky combination these days with all the distractions of consumerism, different sets of values, finding your own personal identity, and trying to grow.
I think I hear where you're coming from...

These days I see non-fiction books in stores with titles like Hating Women, and Feminine Chauvenists, and it makes me shudder... has it really come to this? If it has then it's essential that men and women talk, and try to sort through it all...

I hope the upcoming film unearths as much male-female discussion and interaction as this thread has. It is so necessary.

I live in Detroit, and i tell you. i hate it now. And i grew up here. women of color here, have huge chips on their shoulders. Big time attitudes..

Unfortunately, this is something many black women refuse to acknowledge, the unwarranted negativity and hyper defensiveness that many project. I see this kind of thing all the time. When a black man attempts discuss or even mentions it, stand by for a phalanx of harsh accusations and barbs. Flipping of the script is a favorite by suggesting there is something wrong with him and that he is the source of the unwarranted hostility and rudeness. It never ceases to amaze me. Rather than acknowledging this is a wide spread problem and what both sides can do to address it, instead, you will be met with denial and castigation. It's sad....real sad.

I am a consultant, but when i walk to lunch, (New Center Area), i wear my trusty Gortex JAcket , Courtesy of the USMC.. New Center, is home to the Detroit Public schools, HQ, a Hospital, as well as a Nursing assistant School. I talk to people all the time, when i come within 5 feet. Hey, how you doing,, etc.. Not trying to TALK but being courtous. I get the nastiest stares, stupide looks all the time.

And there ya have it. Why bother? Damned if you do and dammed it you don't. My advice, keep on stepping and ignore them like they ignore you. If you come across a sister who is friendly and is not afraid to return a complimentary smile or greeting, show her the same. I speak and smile to sista's all the time who are civil and friendly. No problem. But if they want to play hard ball or a bad ass -I don't have the time nor desire to get caught up in the drama and bitterness of their personal lives. I just keep steppin'!

No biggie. One day , had lunch with a customer, in the New Center building, a chinese restaurant. Naturally the client was a white woman. (Just happend to be). AND man , it is if, i commited murder. So many nasty stares, Proves my point. I am not good enough, to fully embrace, in conversation, YET i am worthy of getting nasty stares, SMirks, the whole package?

Been there done that. Nothing you can do about that. I remember when I was in college, the sista gurls would not give me the time of the day. I was very friendly (still am) and had no problems walking up to someone I thought looked interesting. Anyway, I was sitting on the grass reading and waiting for a class one afternoon when this white girl came over and sat down with me. She started talking about school and classes. She told me she was a chemistry major and changed her major to sociology because she liked people and wanted to do something directly. Now, while she was talking to me, the sista's were walking by and staring at us with the eyes of Charlie Manson! You could see the hate and disgust on their faces. This really intimidated me and I was wishing like hell the white girl would go away. Finally, she left and I sighed a breath of relief and my blood pressure began to drop. I thought about this years later. Those same black girls who gave me those dirty looks and shaking of the head in disapproval where the same ones who would turn their heads in order to avoid eye contact with me before and after that scene with that white girl. It didn't matter! WTF..???? What did I do wrong?

HEnce i dont date black women at all. Period.

Understood. However, this is very unfortunate because there are some very good black women out there who are friendly and would probably treat you very well. However, because of your experiences (just the bad ones they've had with black men), you've decided not to deal with them. Too bad, but I understand.

1- Hate fat women, 2. hate women, with no degree..Hate women with any type of SLANG in their voice. HATE women who Believe that they are better than anyone else..Let the flames begin.

Wow! Hard core. I guess it all boils down to personal preference. Good luck.........

30-Minute review at film's opening run in Detroit, MI
movie interviews
http://www.castlestudio.net/tbm/interviews/

I only watched the first review!! I thought it was very good!

But, I wonder ... I'm sure not all who saw it thought it was a good movie! Did those who weren't impressed not want to give their opinions .. or were they not asked to?

I hope the theaters in Macon or Atlanta will be brave enough to show it.

Perhaps this is more of a "Random Thought" but if there's an answer for it, I'd really like to know.

For women that think that (all) men are dogs ... why do they still want one?

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Perhaps this is more of a "Random Thought" but if there's an answer for it, I'd really like to know.

For women that think that (all) men are dogs ... why do they still want one?

You are my my favorite poster on this messageboard ...sometimes, you are the only woman that makes sense. You give us single brothers alot of hope that there are smart, positive, and good women out there

quote:

Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
You are my my favorite poster on this messageboard ...sometimes, you are the only woman that makes sense. You give us single brothers alot of hope that there are smart, positive, and good women out there

Awww ... well, thank you, Radio!

But, it really was a heartfelt question. So many women are so suspect of men, think that all/most are no good, only want one thing, don't know how to act right in a relationship or treat women with respect ... yet, these same women want/expect to get married! And, I'm wondering ... to whom??

If none of the men they meet can pass their test ... is it a matter of hope/luck/a miracle that one man out there is going to be perfect, or how does that work?

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
Perhaps this is more of a "Random Thought" but if there's an answer for it, I'd really like to know.

For women that think that (all) men are dogs ... why do they still want one?

Girrrrllll, you trying to start a riot?

But, I agree. I've had that "discussion" with other women before. Not pretty.

When women I know say that "All men are dogs" they most often mean it euphemastically and are usually saying it at a time of intense emotional pain....

Women go through stages with men... and sometimes express their pain differently.... "All men are dogs"... really means something akin to... "I've been naive to openly trust a man with my heart without setting any standards... checking him out... and I've found that not all men are saints.... so they all must be 'dogs'..." most women get over this after a time...

It's simply a stage in grieving where their pain is exaggerated... and frankly I believe its healthy... a woman's psyche goes through a process where she is developing strength against gullibility and faulty decision making....

ummmm... unless she turns "gay" most women get over this stage.... especially when a decent man comes along...

logically analyzing this sentiment is misplaced for women like this... an emotional analysis is needed.... and space given for her to work through her emotions...

Its like a child going through a tantrum.... rationalizing with a child is not wise... the child is working through, unsuccessfully, how to deal with rejection.... anger... or loss... and goes into an emotional fit....

adults do this too...

just not so physical.... we sometimes say it with harsh words we really don't mean... it's a way we develop working through loss...

not everyone goes through this .... just like not every child is prone to tantrums...

when someone says this to me... I don't grill them ... I simply recognize they are in pain... and treat them like I do my children.... remain firm in the truth of the position... "You know all men aren't dogs"... "What's really wrong?"... and usually its one dude that has hurt her.. and she is wrestling with trusting her own ability to set standards for choosing a man....

I just went through this with a friend of mine.... which prompted the "I Hate Men" thread...

The problem is that there is usually no apology to those that were undeservedly subject to the harsh words & attitude after the pain is gone...

Harsh words can be forgotten and left at that moment in time when the proper amends are made.


Always

D

quote:

Originally posted by ATPWordPro:
Girrrrllll, you trying to start a riot?

But, I agree. I've had that "discussion" with other women before. Not pretty.

... Not pretty at all!!



And Khalliqa ... Thank you as well for your answer! That's a very reasonable explanation to what was a baffling question for me!