I will do my best to stay out of this thread if anyone answers.... and will enter only when absolutely compelled to... contrary to some opinion, I do have the ability of restraint....

Would someone mind answering what is the proper response for a man that attempts to define a woman's intentions only to be told by her that not only is he incorrect in assessing her feelings but that she is offended.... now, gathering from the attitude of some of the men on the board towards me in particular, I'm well aware that one could care less if I'm offended, but for clarity sake, this time it is relevant to me but not about my particular situation....

I have encountered this.... but I was just speaking to a few girlfriends who made a personal rant about it this morning... and I thought "It's not just me..."

these women second guess themselves (been there), try to talk to the men in their lives to get them to see the audacity of them trying to show them how they feel, when they "know" they do not....

these men analyze their actions and assign motive...

often motives that the women have never been exposed to....


the reason I'm asking, is because I could offer no help, because I'm too emotionally tied to the incidents.... and these women are seeking to break off their relationships..... one of which has been long standing for about 5 years.....


though I placing this in the Den, I welcome sisters comments....


What do you think the remedy is? The goal is to sustain the relationship... and in all honesty save for this offensive habit, their relationships are thriving well...


Peace,
Khalliqa

Peace....

I have been taught that the best religion is doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

If we attempt to see the world through the eyes of someone we are involved with, many of such issues as you have raised would be resolved without conflict.

We must think about how our actions will be seen by others BEFORE we do what will later create the confusion...


I think men generally hate when they have to intepret women...we really suck at doing that...We just want things made plain...as men say "Straight up"...

If a woman realizes this about a man then she must be careful to review an act in her mind..If it seems transparent and harmless then proceed..But if it is going to create a problem, then there is nothing wrong with bringing it to the significant other prior to engaging the act.

A man should afford a woman the same consideration...Transparency in a relationship first which will fortify trust, and then after we have gained trust...we are fine.


Kai

quote:

Originally posted by virtue/Khalliqa:

Would someone mind answering what is the proper response for a man that attempts to define a woman's intentions only to be told by her that not only is he incorrect in assessing her feelings but that she is offended.... now, gathering from the attitude of some of the men on the board towards me in particular, I'm well aware that one could care less if I'm offended, but for clarity sake, this time it is relevant to me but not about my particular situation....

I have encountered this.... but I was just speaking to a few girlfriends who made a personal rant about it this morning... and I thought "It's not just me..."

these women second guess themselves (been there), try to talk to the men in their lives to get them to see the audacity of them trying to show them how they feel, when they "know" they do not....

these men analyze their actions and assign motive...

often motives that the women have never been exposed to....


the reason I'm asking, is because I could offer no help, because I'm too emotionally tied to the incidents.... and these women are seeking to break off their relationships..... one of which has been long standing for about 5 years.....


though I placing this in the Den, I welcome sisters comments....


What do you think the remedy is? The goal is to sustain the relationship... and in all honesty save for this offensive habit, their relationships are thriving well...


Peace,
Khalliqa

I know brevity was probably a goal in your explanation/question, but a few things could use more clarity.

What is meant by "define a woman's intentions?" Was the man trying to shape or somehow limit her position in someway? Or was he trying (badly, or disrespectfully it would appear) to figure out what her intention was?

The severity of the issue may also play a part in this. Was the issue being "defined" of equal importance to both of them? If not, somebody's answer may have been considered "flippant" or disrespectful. (you said this was a gathering of women so I realize your answer probably can't take into account whether the man felt the issue was of like importance.)

If she tells him he's wrong about his assessment of what she was thinking, then he's got to accept that. period. Just as she needs to accept it if he tells her she's was wrong about an assessment of his. this is where egos get bruised, usually.

Why, exactly, is she offended....Because his delivery was harsh? at the severity of his mis-interpretation?

in paragraph 7 you say the women are "seeking to break off the relationships," yet two graphs later the goal is to "sustain the relationship"?

Not trying to play 20 questions, but the set-up led me to more questions before any definitive suggestions/answers.

quote:

Originally posted by TruthSeeker:
What is meant by "define a woman's intentions?"

Man observes woman's behavior... makes rational judgments and then says to her "The reason you did X is because you were thinking Y"....

quote:

Was the man trying to shape or somehow limit her position in someway?

I'm not quite sure I know how to answer this... I'm not understanding the question...

quote:

Or was he trying (badly, or disrespectfully it would appear) to figure out what her intention was?

Yes... when determining the motives behind the woman's actions the man assigns the most offensive reasons for her behavior...

quote:

The severity of the issue may also play a part in this. Was the issue being "defined" of equal importance to both of them? If not, somebody's answer may have been considered "flippant" or disrespectful. (you said this was a gathering of women so I realize your answer probably can't take into account whether the man felt the issue was of like importance.)

I suppose it would be more accurate to say that both of them suffered the same negative intensity but from different emotional stimulants...

quote:

If she tells him he's wrong about his assessment of what she was thinking, then he's got to accept that. period. Just as she needs to accept it if he tells her she's was wrong about an assessment of his. this is where egos get bruised, usually.

But it doesn't happen this way.... especially with men I know...

If it's logical in his head that you are thinking a certain way, no amount of explaining will do...

quote:

Why, exactly, is she offended....Because his delivery was harsh? at the severity of his mis-interpretation?

harsh delivery, severity of mis-interpretation, consequences of her image, consequences of the relationship...

quote:

in paragraph 7 you say the women are "seeking to break off the relationships," yet two graphs later the goal is to "sustain the relationship"?

Apologies for the incoherency... They are seeking to break off the relationship... but are listening to Me whose goal is to help them past this in order to sustain the relationship...

quote:

Not trying to play 20 questions, but the set-up led me to more questions before any definitive suggestions/answers.

I don't mind clarifying.... I hope this helps..


Peace,
Khalliqa

@Truthseeker,

Brother Minister(?) Why would you engage me? Ask me questions and then not return to the thread... I do not like opening myself to dialogue unecessarily...

Unless you just wanted me to reveal more and you sit back and watch...

nonetheless I'm reacting this way... because this is a serious issue with me...

You don't know me, but trust me opening a thread like this in the Den is the LAST thing I want to do right now.... but I really want to know...

or at least give my questions a chance to be answered so I have more than what's in my head to believe...

With that said...

If there is anyone else who has answers please help to enlighten me...


Thank you,
Khalliqa

quote:

Originally posted by virtue/Khalliqa:
@Truthseeker,

Brother Minister(?) Why would you engage me? Ask me questions and then not return to the thread... I do not like opening myself to dialogue unecessarily...

Unless you just wanted me to reveal more and you sit back and watch...

nonetheless I'm reacting this way... because this is a serious issue with me...

You don't know me, but trust me opening a thread like this in the Den is the LAST thing I want to do right now.... but I really want to know...

or at least give my questions a chance to be answered so I have more than what's in my head to believe...

With that said...

If there is anyone else who has answers please help to enlighten me...


Thank you,
Khalliqa

Apologies...I'd forgotten about the thread.

From what you've described, it seems like there is a sort of distrust of motives, a battle of sorts, who is going to "control" the situation.

Even in the best of relationships, these emotional skirmishes occassionally will take place, but when continual discord and stress is present, such as you've described these relationships to have, all accordance of goodwill from both partners is lost--or at least put on hold. Nothing worthwhile can grow in that environment.

Not affixing blame, but if these women have already "emotionally" checked out of the relationship, then virtually any response is likely to be perceived in a manner that makes the situation worse. And if the dude has truly been that consistently domineering in his thinking and in his mis-assessment of her thinking, for that long, then you really have to wonder how the relationships lasted as long as they did.