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Let's build up, rather than knock down, the black man
Terry Dean



I personally don't see myself getting married anytime soon-mostly because of circumstances more so than by choice-but I won't be pressured or shamed into marriage either.

That's not necessarily what Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell intended to do in her Nov. 2 column "Enough of this selfishness: Time for black men to act like men."

Specifically, she wants black men to marry their children's mother because it's good for the children, good for society and good for black people in general.

Marriage is a good thing-for some, and in general. But what happened to all those sistas who said, "I don't need a man to raise my children?" What happened to those women who purposely had children out of wedlock with no intention of marrying the father, or any man?

And how good of a wife is the black mother who uses her child as pawn or a power chip in the relationship? And how is it that the black mother can ditch the father for any reason: "He doesn't work/spends too much time at work/is not home enough/is home too much and needs to get out/isn't attentive enough/too smothering/tries to make all the decisions/doesn't stand up for himself ... and on, and on, and on, and on. However, the black father must marry the women, I suppose, no matter what. Otherwise, he's not a man.

Again, and again, and again, the brothers are put down. Fine, we deserve it more times than not. And again, and again, and again, black women vent about all these no-good brothers. But rarely does that venting include them taking responibility-with the same passion, bluntness and honesty-for their own contributions to their failed relationships. Everytime I write or talk about the other side of this relationship coin, some sista always swings it back around to black male-bashing. It's all our fault. They're all innocent.

Most columns written on the subject of no-good black men-by black men as well as black women, mind you-rarely, if ever, offer anything postive for the brothers.

And to even raise the issue of the black woman's role in her failed relationships-and I'm talking about from a male's perspective-is taboo. In fact, it's downright sacrilegious.

There will probably be letters and columns written in response to this-hostile, close-minded, or defensive, and probably accusing me a being bitter about this, that or the other-the typical reaction to black men who dare stand up to the angry black woman.

So be it.

For what it's worth, I love black women. I love my black, 6-year-old daughter, and I love my daughter's mother, even though our relationship has been more than rocky in the past. I love my black mother and my black sisters. I love my black aunts, cousins and nieces, black women I work with, socialize with or who are friends. But I also, dare I say, love the black man. And I love myself as a black man.

I once wrote a column about these same brothers, talking about many of the same issues Mary Mitchell and other black woman have raised. But I also tried to talk about what black men can do internally to make themselves and their community better. That approach offers something positive, along with the criticisms, to these misguided, no-good, non-marrying men. You can go online to AustinWeeklyNews.com to read that column.

So, for the record, I'm not bitter, angry or jealous of black women. I just have one question for all of us: What are we doing to turn these no-good, black men into good black men? The fact of the matter is, that endeavor must start with the black man himself (as I pointed out in that column I wrote some years ago).

We can take black men to task, and should. But I'm just not interested in continuously piling it on without offering some glimmer of hope. Is it possible to pull the brothers up while we're also slapping some sense into them? I think so. Or at least I hope so for our community's sake.

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But I also tried to talk about what black men can do internally to make themselves and their community better.

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Originally posted by FireFly:

IMO, this is the best part of the article, it would be good to expand on this more.

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Here are a few words for black men:

1) Honesty. Are you basically a truthful man or, if things go wrong in your life and by your own hands, do you blame others? If you're honest, you look and say, "There's no one to blame but me."

2) Responsibility. At a certain point in a man's life-and that oftentimes depends on the individual man-you have to establish yourself in a positive manner in the world. Whether your goal is to be president of the United States or employee of the month at Walgreens, you have to find a path, job or career opportunity and make something out of it.

3) Integrity. No one is perfect and let he who has not sinned cast the first stone. However, we essentially know what the right type of behavior is and what the wrong type of behavior is. It's not about doing everything right always. If you're human, you won't. But as I say, when it counts, do what you know is right.

4) Strength. It would be disingenuous not to point out that some definitions of a "strong black man" are completely off base. Being a strong black man has nothing to do with how you compare with strong black woman. In other words, black women are strong in their own right, as they frequently share with us: "I don't need a man for this, that or the other."

So what should be the representation of the strong black man? Will you take a stand and stick with it even if things get rough? For example, can you be abstinent (for yourself, not for a woman) if you have to? Can you get back up if you're knocked down? Behind every strong man is a strong backbone.

5) Dignity. This is not a thinly veiled attack against black men who wear their pants off their butts and fishnets on their heads. That has nothing to do with carrying yourself with dignity. If all you have is rags to cover your back, your dignity still comes from within. Too often, black men are made to feel ashamed for what they don't have-a car, a place of their own, striking good looks or those high-paying jobs. If you're solid with the four previous words, your dignity is already intact. Sometimes acting the fool to have fun can be a healthy release, but acting foolish on your life path slowly strips away your dignity.

If this isn't how you want to define yourself, it's part of how I and many others black men define ourselves. But if you look into your own soul and at your moral center, you'll find who you are as black men.