I thought of this after reading the "She did what?" thread.

Background:

I've been with my woman for going on 4 years now. When we first got together and up until about 2 years ago, we had serious "discussions" about my friendship with an once lover, but now strictly friend, friend. [I'm talking about deal breaking, relationship ending, kinda discussions.]

Well, we settled into a don't ask/don't tell policy regarding the friendship. I don't mention the fact that I'm in contact with my friend and she doesn't accuse me of trying to get with her (Or, her trying to get with me).

Now, in the last 3 months, she has gotten calls from her baby's daddy, who wasn't in touch with wifey or daughter for our entire relationship (that I know of). She has also gotten calls from a guy that she knew years before I came into the picture. Actually, he did time with her brother about 6 years ago and went back. Now he's been out a couple of months.

When the calls come in I don't trip, I just pass the phone over or take the message (if she's not home).

Question:

Should I make an issue of the calls to draw attention to the disparity?

I know that if any female called me, it would be all about 20 questions.

I guess I should say that the calls don't bother me. She knew these guys long before she knew me. Besides, I'm very secure in my relationship and myself.

Hell, I learned early in life, if a man's pull is stronger than my hold, then my worrying and tripping will not keep her with me.

[This message was edited by Kweli4Real on December 08, 2003 at 12:34 PM.]

kweli if the calls don't bother you as you say I fail to see the problem here. A woman that has a child for another man is going to be in a sort of limbo situation with that man for life. If you get involved with a woman with a child for another man you have taken aboard her past into your life and issues like you have described will either keep rearing its ugly head or it would not, its all a lottery.

I find it strange that you can live with the fact that this other man can call YOUR house to speak to his former wife so easily. How did he get the number? I am guessing that for him to have your number and be calling your house means something is afoot, and I would be very wary.

I think you should tread carefully because in this case they are a family and you are the outsider. If you were married to this woman then that changes your position and you come with more rights on your side. But as things stand according to your description the situation is extremely tricky.

Please remember a woman would always feel something for the father of her child so whatever you do avoid arguments or anything that could lead to a physical fight because if the child and her mother unite with the former husband against you, God only knows what the outcome would be.

GOOD LUCK

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quote:

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Originally posted by isistah:
She's basically disrepecting you

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I thought that was obvious immediately you read what kweli said and that is what led me to ask questions like how could he allow this man calling his house to speak to his former wife and also how did he got the number. It is this disrespect that to me is the big problem here. I am sure you know people do not just up and start disrespecting someone something usually triggers it. Because I don't know what is going on I will tread with extreme caution. I believe if kweli was to start asking questions from someone blatantly disrespecting him that might give away how he is feeling or thinking and alert the other party of the effect they are having on him and how they can respond thereafter. kweli being silent would in my view create a sense of mystery about him and what he might do and this puts the other parties rather on the defensive. There is nothing worse than letting the enemy know what you are thinking and this is the route I would pursue, that is to keep them guessing.

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Yeah, but henry, the lines of communication would be totally broken and the two would be playing a game that could ruin their relationship in the end. In my opinion, kweli would do well to make sure that the game playing (if any) did not come from his direction.
She may be trying to pay him back for talking to his friend, but once she's made aware that her ploy did indeed get next to him, she might chill- satisfied that her point was made.

Isistah I really can't see how the lines of communication would break down because kweli kept silent. I think confronting the woman could rather trigger the communication breakdown if it goes wrong. It's encouraging that kweli says the calls don't worry him. Don't get me wrong I am only responding like this because of what kweli said about him being comfortable with the situation. Personally I would react very very badly and change the telephone number just to drive the point home.

For the record I don't have any answers because this is basically disrespect going on and I mean how do you handle that when a former husband and a child is involved? I don't know. I just don't want kweli to think we are ignoring his problem that is why I am offering my two cents

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So, who's doing the disrespecting. The guy, the wifey, or both.

To be honest, I don't feel disrespected by a man calling my house, or the wifey talking with him. I don't have a problem with the wifey talking to anyone, male or female. I just have to trust that that's all that is happening. I know that that can be the fact because I don't believe that every male/female contact leads to bedtime, especially when the relationship/friendship pre-dates mine.

I guess my issue is more, why would she feel that her conversations are innocent and mine are shady? Why can't she see the obvious double standard?

Is it just a security matter?

quote:

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Originally posted by Kweli4Real:
I guess my issue is more, why would she feel that her conversations are innocent and mine are shady? Why can't she see the obvious double standard?

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I am just answering this part of what you said.

It is called cause and effect.
If I have an innocent spirit I would think everyone is nice and innocent
If I were a liar I would think most people lie
If I were a cheat I would think most people cheat etc.
Therefore if she has shady conversations she would think yours are shady
It is not double standard that is how people react and that is how you get to know people.

Therefore I would not call it double standards because she can use the defence that this is the father of her child to fob off any accusation of double standard on her part.
To me what is interesting is that she thinks your actions are shady and that tells me you have to be wary

Just my two cents but I really hope more people can join this conversation to help out.

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Could her position be based on not her actions, but rather what she has experienced in life? Example, If one has been with people that are shady, they tend to believe that all people are shady.

Yeah kweli yeah you could be right. It is difficult to tell. That is exactly why I am struggling with this conversation. You really need someone who has been in this situation themselves. My background is a million miles removed from this. I am sorry I can not help more.

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When I was single I never had a problem dating a woman who had a kid or two (two being my absolute maximum!). But my hard and fast rule was that the baby daddy had to be completely out of the picture--no contact whatever. In the one instance I went against that rule it was babdy daddy drama to the third power.
In in this case do you have a man who was out of the picture for years and suddenly creeps back in? I would view that suspciously. What kind of man effectively abandons his child for years only to resurface. Furthermore why would a woman want to subject her child to this whimiscal baby daddy absent any extenuating circumstances?

The double standard is obvious. The fact that it troubles you makes it something you should address. It could be nothing but letting it fester could make disrupt your household so badly that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

quote:

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Originally posted by Solomonic:

It could be nothing but letting it fester could make disrupt your household so badly that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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Yes. That's what I was trying to say. Get it out in the open. Ask her- "why is it cool for you and not for me?"

This is why you shouldn't date women with children by other men. I know that this makes a small group of quality women even smaller, but hey- it's one less thing you'll have to worry about...