On the one hand, I hear many of you say that you don't like talking about emotions or about relationship questions or "mushy" stuff. However, many of the same one's say that communication in a relationship is important.

So how does a female go about reconciling the two? Since you may not want to talk about it, but it's important, should she broach the subject anyway? Or is it better if she waits until you're "ready" to approach the subject yourselves?

I know it's sometimes like pulling teeth ... but, if it will prevent the rotting of your gums, is it worth it?

good question. My 2 cents is that I think most people - other than the lucky few - need to learn emotional 'literacy'. So that both can discuss how they feel in a positive and constructive way that isn't agressive or defensive. OK... sorry if I butted in. I've been thinking quite a bit about this topic of late, trying to work out how the last relationship (communication-wise) went off the rails. And in the end, it's ALWAYS about communication. I've managed to glean a few answers.
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The issue is not emotional literacy or not wanting to talk about emotions. The issue is methodology & protocol. In my experience, women want to discuss relationship issues the same way they discuss them with their girlfriends. Learn & accept that most men and women communicate differently. Take time to try to learn his langauge & communication style. Understand that for years, many men have been discouraged from sharing their thoughts & feelings. Choose a non-heated moment and listen when he answers - don't interject additional questions or insert your beef. Typically, men have to discuss these issues on a woman's terms; he is less equipped to do well under those circumstances. Try putting yourself in the position of disadvantage occasionally (to gain some empathy if nothing else) to make the dialogue more likely to occur.

Just my ten dollars...

Well first ladies, try not to take it personally. Society trains us men (especially black men) to bury their emotions and maintain a strong exterior/facade that is able to absorb and endure pain. We are trained to not cry or talk about what is bothering us or show ourselves as vulnerable in front of our women. A "Man" is supposed to be strong.

Having said that. Of course we cry, we have emotions and when there are times where we definetly want to talk about them. Sadly it is usually when we are hurt or mad.

Remember, always be loving and accepting to your man when you approach him. Create an atmosphere where he feels comfortable and he doesn't feel like he is being interrogated. Sometimes just aksing a direct question works.
"How did you feel when I did that?"

Communication is tough because men and women communicate differently. I have this issue with my wife a lot. She is trying to get one thing out of me, and I want a rational explanation.

For example. My wife will ask why I didn't take the trash out. Now my male, rational logical mind will try to actually answer the question. That is where I make my mistake everytime. My wife asked a question and I tried to answer it logically. My wife wasn't really looking for an answer to the question, she wanted me to re-assure her that I will try not to forget to take out the trash in the future. But often a woman won't say "sweetie, can you re-assure me that you will try to remember to take out the trash?" Instead she will ask "Why didn't you take the trash out?" A man only hears the literal question and tries to answer it logically and it causes a communication block and usually starts an argument.

As Yoda would say "Much to learn we still have"

quote:

Originally posted by Mano:
For example. My wife will ask why I didn't take the trash out. Now my male, rational logical mind will try to actually answer the question. That is where I make my mistake everytime. My wife asked a question and I tried to answer it logically. My wife wasn't really looking for an answer to the question, she wanted me to re-assure her that I will try not to forget to take out the trash in the future. But often a woman won't say "sweetie, can you re-assure me that you will try to remember to take out the trash?" Instead she will ask "Why didn't you take the trash out?" A man only hears the literal question and tries to answer it logically and it causes a communication block and usually starts an argument.

As Yoda would say "Much to learn we still have"

Wow!! This hits the nail square on the head, doesn't it?

I have learned, especially in conversations with men, not to ask questions expecting a certain answer. I figure in some ways that defeats the whole "question" senario ... because if I had already known the answer, I probably wouldn't have asked! And that's why it is soooo important to listen to the answer that is given. And if there's still confusion, to ask another question until understanding has been achieved!

So, then, I guess what I am hearing is that it's a matter of timing ... and, I suppose, the approach ... that leads to more successful discussion?

And if this is the case, would you want/does it make it better to be sweetened up first ... or would you prefer it straight, no chaser?

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
And if this is the case, would you want/does it make it better to be sweetened up first ... or would you prefer it straight, no chaser?

Ebony, this might be , but I'm going to make a giant leap towards what I think you're getting at. Please, feel free to correct me if I go out on the wrong tangent.

Whether it's sweetened up or not is not as important, IMO, as the perceived intent.

It is vitaly important that your man not feel attacked by your displeasure. Remember, one of the most important ways that we measure our success as men is by how happy our women are. When his woman is happy, he subconciously takes credit for it... even if he had nothing at all to do with it. But, the reverse is also true. When his woman is not happy, he subconciously takes the blame.

The women that I have seen successfully get around this catch-22, do so by starting out thanking him for what he does do that makes them happy. Then, instead of addressing what they don't want him to do, they address what they would rather him do.

It's perfect male psycology...

Start with ego-stroking... this makes him receptive to your input.

Finish by giving him clear directions for getting the result that he wants... which is to make you even happier than you already are.

Make your man your hero, and he will rise to the challenge.

quote:

Originally posted by Black Viking:

quote:

Originally posted by EbonyRose:
And if this is the case, would you want/does it make it better to be sweetened up first ... or would you prefer it straight, no chaser?

Ebony, this might be , but I'm going to make a giant leap towards what I think you're getting at. Please, feel free to correct me if I go out on the wrong tangent.

Whether it's sweetened up or not is not as important, IMO, as the perceived intent.

It is vitaly important that your man not feel attacked by your displeasure. Remember, one of the most important ways that we measure our success as men is by how happy our women are. When his woman is happy, he subconciously takes credit for it... even if he had nothing at all to do with it. But, the reverse is also true. When his woman is not happy, he subconciously takes the blame.

The women that I have seen successfully get around this catch-22, do so by starting out thanking him for what he does do that makes them happy. Then, instead of addressing what they don't want him to do, they address what they would rather him do.

It's perfect male psycology...

Start with ego-stroking... this makes him receptive to your input.

Finish by giving him clear directions for getting the result that he wants... which is to make you even happier than you already are.

Make your man your hero, and he will rise to the challenge.

Black Viking, Mano, ddouble ....

Thank you for communicating communication in plain (albeit male ) English!

And for confirming that I've been right in my way of thinking! Checks and balances, you know!

You guys are the best! And that goes for all of my AA.org big brothers!

quote:

I have learned, especially in conversations with men, not to ask questions expecting a certain answer. I figure in some ways that defeats the whole "question" senario ... because if I had already known the answer, I probably wouldn't have asked! And that's why it is soooo important to listen to the answer that is given. And if there's still confusion, to ask another question until understanding has been achieved!

And equally important is to accept the answer given as what he meant to say. None of this, "I know you said XXXX, but I know you really feel YYYY." If he meant YYYY, rest assured he would have said YYYY.

quote:

And if this is the case, would you want/does it make it better to be sweetened up first ... or would you prefer it straight, no chaser?

That all depends. Though most won't admit it, if the comment/question is actually a criticism or touches on something he is sensitive about, sweeten it. Hurt feelings never lead to productive discussions. But by sweeten, I don't mean talk around it, you must always ask the question directly.

quote:

Originally posted by Kweli4Real:
And equally important is to accept the answer given as what he meant to say. None of this, "I know you said XXXX, but I know you really feel YYYY." If he meant YYYY, rest assured he would have said YYYY.

I sometimes wonder whether men or women are more honest about doing this. With men it tends to be complexed, because half of y'all sesem to have a deeply ingrained "Tell a woman what she wants to hear" mentality, and the other half are more "Well, if she asked me, I'm gonna tell you what she wants to know! I mean, she asked, right?" frame of mind!

But I find that most women want to only hear what they want to hear, and that's not always the real answer!

quote:

That all depends. Though most won't admit it, if the comment/question is actually a criticism or touches on something he is sensitive about, sweeten it. Hurt feelings never lead to productive discussions. But by sweeten, I don't mean talk around it, you must always ask the question directly.

Ain't that the truth!!

quote:

Try putting yourself in the position of disadvantage occasionally (to gain some empathy if nothing else) to make the dialogue more likely to occur.

Just my ten dollars...

oh hello and thanks for the big slap. There is NO similarity between girl-talk and woman-to-man talk. btw my understanding of emotional literacy isn't about wanting or not wanting to talk about emotions... it is about the ability to talk about - and understand - why a person feels the way they do first up, so then they have a chance of discussing it and being able to explain their point-of-view from an emotional perspective. I'm guessing that you are in the 20-30 age group - cool. Discussions and perceptions and realities change when both people have had a few more long-term relationships/marriages. It isn't about competing to get a point across or who's right and wrong - it's about true communication - not girl vs boy. Men don't ever have to discuss their feelings on women's terms - whatever they are - men are free to speak their mind if they can - and choose to verbalise their feelings and emotions. Some people - men and women included - need to learn to open up and speak to their parnter. Need to shed baggage, shed being reactive, learn to share, realize and accept that what 'works' or what one can get 'away' with, or avoid, in one relationship may not work in the next. Methodology? Protocol? We each also have to take responsibility to say what we feel, and contribute to making the communication a shared experience, not a battlefield.
Each of us have different experiences, and each new partner presents a new dynamic - there is no Plan A that fits everyone - everyone has to take responsibility for their 50% of the relationship.

I disagreee with you ddouble... successful relationship are ALL about emotional literacy. Of course, if there is no 'incentive', commitment, or desire, to aim for a deep level of understanding with the other person... well... it's not going to go anywhere.