What qualities and attributes do already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father?

(I'm not asking what makes you "father material" or a good father, I'm asking your point-of-view on the role itself)

Another question - for young men or those without any children - have you spend any time reflecting on becoming a father yourself, or discussed it with any of your male friends? What is your personal vision of the role and it's responsiblities?
.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: FireFly,

'...all of us who care about the truth must assist you in finding the resources to tell it.' Ken Burns, Documentary Filmmaker.

Where Is The Love In Our Community?

Great topic Sister Firefly, but I would be surprised if you received any responses. You see, generally, men do not like to discuss topics that deal with love, relationships, and family. But because women do enjoy talking about these topics, we are criticized. Interestingly enough, I posted a similar topic in The Den not too long ago that asked the brothers to describe their relationships with their fathers and/or sons. Specifically, I wanted to know if as children did they receive much affection from their dads, and are/were they often told how much they are loved by their fathers. So perhaps we need to have a serioius discussion about why showing affection and talking about affection is seemingly so difficult for Black men to do in our community.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Rowe,

Well, Sis Rowe, let it 'brew'. Let the men answer if they feel inclined.

I won't hold my breath though.

quote:

Rowe: So perhaps we need to have a serioius discussion about why showing affection and talking about affection is seemingly so difficult for Black men to do in our community.

this is one of life's mysteries ~ male disclosure ~ or lack of.

OK, I'll volunteer first to face the firing squad (j/k) about the qualities of fatherhood.

I'm not a father, but I am an uncle to a beautiful niece and two handsome nephews. My brother-in-law's biological father didn't live with him and he didn't grow up with him, although he did gave the man credit when his mother, and his two fathers (biological and his stepfather) participated in the wedding. He made a promise to himself and my sister that he will more of a father to his children than his father was to him. BTW, his children was from a previous marriage and the children feel more like a family with his current wife and with me and my parents, than with their biological mother and her new husband.

Now I grew up totally different than my bro-in-law. I was born with two parents, who were married a year before I was born (Yes, I checked both their marriage license and my birth certificate).

I was looked at very strangely by classmates from kindergarten (only kid in the class that could read) to college. I was one of maybe three people in my dorm floor, whose biological parents were still married to each other. I'm not saying I'm special, but maybe the exception, not the norm. When you look at it, it isn't positive all the time, because if it is the exception, then it's not really normal.

IMHO, the reason why we don't see it in the black community is because some of our priorities are soooo
twisted. Chris Rock and other black comics jokingly explained several times that we'll congratulate a brother for getting out of jail than college. Maybe because there are more of us in jail than in college. Even so, that's not a reason to go to jail instead of college. Prison's not a place to visit, let alone stay there. That we'll buy rims on our cars before we'll buy car insurance. iPods and PS3s instead of books, and bling instead of stock shares or property.

These are just little things that we can control and yet we don't do, because it's considered not important.

I hate to sound like a devil's advocate or other posters here *cough* (CF, ML)*cough* but many black men are being rewarding for BS and badness, which is one reason why you don't see us outside of sports and entertainment, excelling at an exponential rate. I'm not saying that we're not doing it, but it's really bad that the media don't show it enough, and we don't praise it enough. Like UK's Asiana magazine for instance where some folks had the nerve to ask if the black community are actually trying to improve their negative images (Please feel free to PM me here; it's a long story that I can't go into right now on this thread).

Back to the topic. Because of the rewards of being "tough," there's no rewarding of being "responsible." A man of any race can be tough and still be responsible, but the stereotypes out there make them distant entities.

Getting an education is considered a "white" thing, thus Chris Rock hit the nail on the head when talked about his "Blacks vs. N^^&*s" sketch on his "Bring The Pain" HBO special: "Nothing makes a n---a happy about to not know. 'Hey bro, what's the capital of Zaire?' 'I don't know that shit! I'm keeping it real!' N---as LOVE to 'keep it real'...REAL DUMB!"

Another thing, there should be more fathers like my dad or my brother-in-law, to show their daughters and sons that fatherhood isn't like going to "the hole" in jail, but a welcomed responsibility, that you're supposed to do, if you have sired children with a woman, or if you have adopted children.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Huey,

"There are two things that are infinite, human stupidity and the universe...and I'm not too sure about the universe."
--Albert Einstein

leadership and reliability

quote:

Originally posted by RadioRaheem:
leadership and reliability

[QUOTE]Originally posted by FireFly:
What qualities and attributes do already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father?
[QUOTE]
Patience
Selflessness
Spiritual base
Family orientation



catch

quote:

Originally posted by FireFly:
What qualities and attributes do already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father?

(I'm not asking what makes you "father material" or a good father, I'm asking your point-of-view on the role itself)

There are no qualities or attributes to become a father, other than the ability to produce and transfer sperm.

But if you are asking about qualities and attributes that make for a good father, then I's have to start with:

1) Love.
2) Patience.
3) The ability to willingly Self-sacrifice
4) The ability to know when to be firm and resolute and when to let something slide.
5) The ability to exhibit Love, in whatever way you know how.

quote:

Originally posted by Kweli4Real:
There are no qualities or attributes to become a father, other than the ability to produce and transfer sperm.

What qualities and attributes do you already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father? I just reread this and see I left the word 'you' out!

quote:

But if you are asking about qualities and attributes that make for a good father, then I's have to start with:

1) Love.
2) Patience.
3) The ability to willingly Self-sacrifice
4) The ability to know when to be firm and resolute and when to let something slide.
5) The ability to exhibit Love, in whatever way you know how.

these are great qualities and behaviours to aspire to. I didn't want to ask what makes a 'good father' per se, but what qualities you think are 'important'. Being a 'good' father can perhaps become too subjective. I'm just wanting to keep it quite loose and open rather than including the idea of good, should, best father, if you hear me.

I think No. 4 on your list is the hardest task, and requires the most skill, experience, discression and diplomacy and gut feeling.

quote:

Originally posted by ocatchings:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by FireFly:
What qualities and attributes do already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father?
[QUOTE]
Patience
Selflessness
Spiritual base
Family orientation
catch

First off, I have to say who is the cuteness in your avatar with the naked belly, lol?

I agree that family is one of 'springboards' I see for developing the quality of selflessness.

If it's not too personal a question, how do incorporate your 'spiritual base' within the context of fatherhood? This isn't a direct question or a probe... just general curiousity.
.

quote:

Originally posted by Huey:
OK, I'll volunteer first to face the firing squad (j/k) about the qualities of fatherhood.

I'm asking because I think a lot of women are genuinely curious, and for some reason - which I find quite bizarre - whether or not to start, or even have, a family is like a taboo topic, in as far as it's never talked about - but there are so many assumptions flying around about it. I know all pregnancies aren't planned, but perhaps that in itself makes it an important topic for people to discuss their views about. Women speak a lot more freely about this topic than men. I sometimes wonder why that is. So thanks for bravely jumping in!

quote:

He made a promise to himself and my sister that he will more of a father to his children than his father was to him. BTW, his children was from a previous marriage and the children feel more like a family with his current wife and with me and my parents, than with their biological mother and her new husband.

Is that because there more freely given love and connection than by the biological mother?

quote:

I was one of maybe three people in my dorm floor, whose biological parents were still married to each other. I'm not saying I'm special, but maybe the exception, not the norm. When you look at it, it isn't positive all the time, because if it is the exception, then it's not really normal.

that it's not usual. But that you experienced that.

quote:

That we'll buy rims on our cars before we'll buy car insurance. iPods and PS3s instead of books, and bling instead of stock shares or property.

These are just little things that we can control and yet we don't do, because it's considered not important.

this is very much where umbrachist is coming from. Yet there has been no actual discussion on this [bolded] topic at all, at least I've never seen it on aa.org A good topic for men to discuss in the Den, yes?

quote:

it's really bad that the media don't show it enough, and we don't praise it enough.

I think you're right.

quote:

Getting an education is considered a "white" thing,

there are positive African role models that say stress how important education is, but perhaps the issue is more about those people getting their message 'out there' via the media.
Kofi Annan stresses 'education, education, education.' Young Nigerian writer Uzodinma Iweala (24 yrs old IS young to be a novelist) stresses the importance of 'education' AND he is quoted as saying [in regard to African child soldiers]... "The idea that you could go through so much torment and turmoil, and still think 'education, education, education' speaks for the power of education and how dear people hold it." He is talking about education as the powerful link for child soldiers to reclaim their lives back into their communities.

quote:

Another thing, there should be more fathers like my dad or my brother-in-law, to show their daughters and sons that fatherhood isn't like going to "the hole" in jail, but a welcomed responsibility, that you're supposed to do, if you have sired children with a woman, or if you have adopted children.

Fatherhood is often said to be the 'making' of men - whatever their culture or background - adding dimension, and soul and essence to men. Do you agree?

For the fathers among you - how do you see yourself after fatherhood - a new person, a changed person, transformed? On a scale of 1-10?

quote:

Originally posted by FireFly:

quote:

Originally posted by ocatchings:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by FireFly:
What qualities and attributes do already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father?
[QUOTE]
Patience
Selflessness
Spiritual base
Family orientation
catch

First off, I have to say who is the cuteness in your avatar with the naked belly, lol?

I agree that family is one of 'springboards' I see for developing the quality of selflessness.

If it's not too personal a question, how do incorporate your 'spiritual base' within the context of fatherhood? This isn't a direct question or a probe... just general curiousity.
.

That was my early Christmas present, born 12/12/06, Elijah.
I feel the spiritual base is needed to keep a person grounded and as a tool/guide in raising children. It's good to be able to fall back onto something when the fear of providing a safe environment or how to plan for the future starts to wear you down. At times I look at him and realize what a blessing he is (regardless of the alternate theory) and I just want to do my best to provide the best.


catch

quote:

Originally posted by ocatchings:

quote:

Originally posted by FireFly:

quote:

Originally posted by ocatchings:
[QUOTE]Originally posted by FireFly:
What qualities and attributes do already possess, or think it important to acquire to become a father?
[QUOTE]
Patience
Selflessness
Spiritual base
Family orientation
catch

First off, I have to say who is the cuteness in your avatar with the naked belly, lol?

I agree that family is one of 'springboards' I see for developing the quality of selflessness.

If it's not too personal a question, how do incorporate your 'spiritual base' within the context of fatherhood? This isn't a direct question or a probe... just general curiousity.
.

That was my early Christmas present, born 12/12/06, Elijah.
I feel the spiritual base is needed to keep a person grounded and as a tool/guide in raising children. It's good to be able to fall back onto something when the fear of providing a safe environment or how to plan for the future starts to wear you down. I also want to show him a good place to turn to when the troubles he encounters start to jump on his back. At times I look at him and realize what a blessing he is (regardless of the alternate theory) and I just want to do my best to provide the best.


catch

quote:

Originally posted by ocatchings:
That was my early Christmas present, born 12/12/06, Elijah.

A brand NEW baby boy!!! CONGRATS! [>>>cigar & back-slapping icons here<<<]

quote:

I feel the spiritual base is needed to keep a person grounded and as a tool/guide in raising children. It's good to be able to fall back onto something when the fear of providing a safe environment or how to plan for the future starts to wear you down. I also want to show him a good place to turn to when the troubles he encounters start to jump on his back. At times I look at him and realize what a blessing he is (regardless of the alternate theory) and I just want to do my best to provide the best.

Thanks for sharing, catch. Is he your first child?

quote:

Is he your first child?

1st natural, yes


catch

I'm not a father but I would like to share some good things about my dad (RIP)

1. The very stable-ness of him. He was always around. I could always find him. I knew his routine and what he would be doing or saying about certain things.

2. That he could be gentle and firm at the same time. He wasn't one for drama

3. That he could simply say "i'm disappointed in you young lady, you know better than to do/say that" and i would be reduced to tears and promises to do better at the mere thought of disappointing daddy. Mama, on the other hand...the long lectu-rant was her number one weapon in the arsenal.

4. "You can do it, just try again" was always his mantra no matter how big a mess i thought i had made of something.

5. He thought girls ought to know how to change a flat, paint the trim on the house, and mow the lawn, not just wear ribbons and lace.

6. He had so many crazy sayings that would make us laugh, but in reality taught a lesson ie responsibility: "if you buy the stamp u got to do your own licking and sticking"

7. Reading was very important to him.

Although my dad has gone on, i smile when i think of these things, and I carry them with me always.