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D4 |
Have any of you guys ever dated, or were in a relationship with a female who had a ton of male friends? If so did you ever wonder whats up with that? Also, did you ever trust that woman? Just being a man I know how other man think, so I know what a majority of guy friends are after, unless they're gay.
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A4 |
I used to have concerns about this. I would never get beligerent or anything like that, but I would be on the look out for signs (from both her and her male friends). Now though..I stopped caring what she does when I'm not around. Whatever happens, my heart ain't in it and as long as get my goals achieved (have a good time with her, good convesation, whatever...), I'm cool. She can "do her" because I'm gonna "do me".
 "Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."----Bruce Lee "The Tao of Jeet Kune Do" |
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C2 |
Peace....
Yeah, I remember when this was an issue...You know sometimes you just have to grab your woman by her hair and tell her with force.."Get rid of the losers".. Now of course she may poison you later...but atleast you would have gotten your point across... No seriously, for me this is a major problem...Once things get serious between us she would have to put a lot of distance between herself and her male friends...Sorry... Kai "Old fool! This is my hour. Do you not know Death when you see it? Die now and curse in vain!" And with that he lifted high his sword and flames ran down the blade. |
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A1 |
How come? How come your heart ain't in it? When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak Audre Lord |
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A4 |
The cost/benefit ratio is too high. It's just not worth the drama and the hassle. "Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."----Bruce Lee "The Tao of Jeet Kune Do" |
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C1 |
Yeah, I've experienced this. It really makes you get real about all the "trust" talk we put out in relationships. I trusted her (why else be involved with her?) but I didn't trust most of her male friends as far as I could throw them. |
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B1 |
Whatever they say, you need to cancel them cats out.
They are dudes living in what I call, "The Friendship Graveyard." Black Child's Pledge I pledge allegiance to my Black People. I pledge to develop my mind and body to the greatest extent possible. I will learn all that I can in order to give my best to my People in their struggle for liberation. I will keep myself physically fit, building a strong body free from drugs and other substances which weaken me and make me less capable of protecting myself, my family and my Black brothers and sisters. I will unselfishly share my knowledge and understanding with them in order to bring about change more quickly. I will discipline myself to direct my energies thoughtfully and constructively rather than wasting them in idle hatred. I will train myself never to hurt or allow others to harm my Black brothers and sisters for I recognize that we need every Black Man, Woman, and Child to be physically, mentally and psychologically strong. These principles I pledge to practice daily and to teach them to others in order to unite my People. The Black Panther, October 26, 1968 by Shirley Williams |
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B3 |
What does it matter how many male friends she has? I've met women with more male friends because they say they can't deal with the drama that seems to come with female friends - like other females being jealous of her being attractive. Especially if their boyfriends take notice.
If someone is truely with you then they are with you. It won't matter if she has no male friends or dozens...if she can't be trusted she can't be trusted. If your not mature enough to deal with a women that has male friends that's on you. And she doesn't have to kick them to the curb just becasue she is dating you either. KEYWORD: TRUST _______________________ "Morality cannot be legislated but behaviour can be regulated. Judicial decrees may not change the heart but they can restrain the heartless." Martin Luther King. |
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A1 |
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Tasmanian Angel |
Amen, brother!! Amen!!  Before your post, this thread was really starting to scare me .... and make me very sad.  BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE. Before there was ANY history, there was BLACK history. |
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Phoenix Rising |
KEYWORD: BUILDING If your goal is to exist in parallel spinning cycles of life.... then not caring how many intimate or deep relationships your spouse/SO has with the opposite sex means little.... In a relationship where you desire to create and BUILD a life together.... you have to move towards one another in a way that's more intimate than you go your way and I'll go mine and we'll meet where we feel like it or are compatible... When you are building.... moving towards one another takes TIME... ENERGY... FOCUS OF EMOTION.... TOLERANCE/UNDERSTANDING..... and the rewards of such efforts placed into one another in the form of FRIENDSHIP etc.... when we lend these attributes to another outside of our relationships we are in fact taking away from the quality of the committed relationship.... add to that the natural inclination of male and female... and for MOST people.... you have a slowly simmering recipe for disconnect and eventually separation.... I think if a woman truly cares or loves her husband... she should cut her male friends or neutralizing whatever bond there is between them by introducing them to her husband and encouraging a relationship with them both.... Peace, Khalliqa "The Goddess emerges as the evanescence of the inferior dissipates.... " |
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A1 |
I don't see friendship as taking away from a marriage. Unless you are going out every night or something, and they are monopolizing all of your time.
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Phoenix Rising |
Unless you are spiritually/sexually sterile.... male and female ignite one another on many levels... If I need someone to listen to my pain or just to laugh... I call a friend... If I need someone to relax with.... I call a friend... When my friend needs comfort... I'm there as a friend... When my friend needs a listening ear... I take time out to do so... When I became married (the early stages anywhoo)... my husband became my ear.... and we grew a bit closer as friends because I did not call my old male friend... When I needed to relax or laugh... instead of calling on my male friends I shared this with my husband.... increasing our closeness... When my friend wanted comfort and a listening ear..... instead of telling my husband... hold on.... baby let me give my single male friend my comfort.... I encouraged him to seek it in HIS girlfriend.... When I interacted with my old friends it was always with my husband present... they were "friends" but there was and still remains a lingering affection that I will not allow to enter the next committed relationship I am in... my energy will be reserved for my marriage..... Peace, Khalliqa "The Goddess emerges as the evanescence of the inferior dissipates.... " |
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A1 |
Do you also find that having female friends similarly detracts from a relationship?
Most of what you talked about would seem to apply equally to male and female friends.
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Phoenix Rising |
Yes, to a certain extent.... my female friends (especially those that are single...) do not understand the time I must make for my family.... No, to the extent that there is no sexual undercurrent to our relationship that threatens the energy I gave my ex...
No, see above... Peace, Khalliqa "The Goddess emerges as the evanescence of the inferior dissipates.... " |
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A1 |
Well, I don't see much of a gender distinction.
But maybe that's because I'm married. Certainly marriage does require time and energy, and that does mean that less time may be available for friends, but so does having children, or starting a demanding job, for example. If I were single, but working all the time, I wouldn't have much time for friends, either. Actually, that was the case when I met my wife, but I managed to find some time, nonetheless. I just avoided sleeping...
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Tasmanian Angel |
I dunno ... maybe it's my perception of a relationship that's all screwed up!
 I know that I want a man that I can trust and who trusts me. Period. There's no room for negotiation there. If a man doesn't trust that I can/will be faithful to him (whether such a betrayal is initiate by the other man or me!) then what's the point?  And the same goes towards him for me! If I can't made to feel confident that his female friends are not a threat to our relationship, then he's lacking a very important component to our security as a couple!And I've only got one word for that .... NEXT!!! Also, I have a problem understanding how a man that can meet me and like me for who I am (which is someone who has certain friends in my life) can suddenly expect me to drop them and be the same person! These are people that were there before he was, have obviously been with me longer, and are a part of who I am.  Yet, for me to kick them to the curb for him (an unproven association, at best) is a little more than presumptuous! In fact, it kinda borders on crazy-as-hell!! And egomanical at the same time!Also, wouldn't it figure that if I wanted to do "my friend" that's what I would have been doing at the time he and I met ... and he (new guy) probably wouldn't have had much of a chance at a relatiohship with me, anyway! Does a man really think a woman's life starts and stops with his entrance into it?  And the same goes for men toward their new woman.Forcing two personalities into a relationship is probably the reason most of them fail. The two are either compatable and compliment each other from the beginning or don't. The person you meet either respects who you are from the beginning or they don't ... and moreso, knows how to respect you (and show respect for you) for who you are, or not! Anybody who separates you from their friends ... or you from your friends, has issues that you really need to think about whether or not you want to bring into your life. And I would hope that if that other person can't respect you like that ... you would respect yourself like that. Because if you don't do it, how can you expect someone else to? BLACK by NATURE, PROUD by CHOICE. Before there was ANY history, there was BLACK history. |
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A1 |
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Phoenix Rising |
I don't see your point.... I was married for 12 years... maybe its because you're a. not a woman... b. not me- we don't share the same values... I value exclusive intimacy in a marriage.... you and your wife's intmacy can be had by others... different strokes...
children=result and part of the MARRIAGE/FAMILY unit... "friend" -not.. job= provisions for FAMILY sustenance .... "friend"-not friend is not family... the beginnings of which are the husband and wife.... otherwise call the need to have multiple intimate partners in your relationship "swinging"..... don't call it marriage... friends play a distinct secondary role.... especially if they are of the same sex... and I wouldn't want to keep every male friend I've had before my husband... especially since there were undercurrents of intimacy (not lust) in them.... iono... perhaps some people are down with spreading themselves among men... when I am committed that MEANS something.... it does not mean continue my life the way I've been going ...... as a single woman I bear no responsibility for another but myself... that changes once in a committed relationship.... you know... you grow up... and realize that the world you were once in requires more..... the relationship if it is to be successful requires more than you be the same... when we do not change... we remain stagnant... our year in number may grow.... but our maturity level does not...
That is a choice... upon which your standards for the job dictate... there seems to be no confusion there.... I mean some employers don't mind you working three jobs.... but the majority will prefer your loyalty to their company.... if you decide that your wife does not require your undivided love and attention.... then so be it... you just swing that way..... anything's possible when both parties are down for it... though because something exists with consent does not make it the best path.... and certainly not the rule of thumb or good advice for others... Peace, Khalliqa "The Goddess emerges as the evanescence of the inferior dissipates.... " |
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A1 |
This seems unlikely, since my wife is also a woman, and has no problems with me having friends, whether male or female.
This seems much more likely... I am not you... And we may very well have different values...
I'm not sure what you mean by "intimacy" here. Aparently, you use it as a synonym for "friendship". I tend to use it somewhat differently, but no matter... Yes, we both have friends...
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