I continue to be absolutely dumbfounded by some of the paradoxes - the absolute contradictions - that life throws in front of us. While I guess that's part of what makes the experience of life, ultimately, the rich journey that it is - it certainly makes for often perplexing, confusing, and sometimes painful experiences!

For me, some of the biggest paradoxes surround my personal relationships. I have written before about how I grew up in an absolutely charmed existence. Both my parents were in my home and had a wonderful relationship; I was also surrounded by the love and support of all four grandparents - each in their own idyllic relationship - until my 30's. I have been absolutely bathed in love and support for my entire existence. I saw these three great couples parent and work and love together for most of my life. You would think that that would be the best modeling for my own experience and behavior in relationships, right? You'd think that I would have picked up a few tips here and there to apply to my own life and relationships to make them more successful, right? Not exactly. Into my third marriage now I think I've finally mastered some of the challenges that make me a good husband and partner, but it's obviously not been easy.

To be clear, the gist of my issues have to do with my judgment around women, I think. Herein lies the crux of yet another fundamental paradox for me. On the one hand, in my professional life, I pride myself on being smart, logical, thoughtful, methodical, analytical; these are attributes that I hold dear in how I conceive of myself and what I offer the world: clarity, judgment, strategic thinking etc. For me, it is quite clear that all of these attributes are terminally suspended during the courting process with women! Apparently, I become the most emotional, perhaps even superficial, man on the planet. Now, to be sure, ALL judgment and reason do not leave me, but let's just say that I have made some profound errors in judgment as it relates to the elective personal relationships in my life.

This leads me to the third, perhaps most profound, and clearly the most painful paradox in my life. My two oldest sons have been, since the moment they arrived on the planet, two of the most brilliant stars in my life. They made me into a father - fulfilling an almost lifelong dream to have sons. It continues to absolutely amaze me that they can be such beacons of love and goodness and joy for me, despite being a product of a relationship with the single worst person I've ever known. Now maybe that's a strong statement. Maybe, it's not even true - analytically speaking. Maybe I met someone in the 1970's who has become a raving lunatic mass murderer or something, I don't know. But it is a fact, a cold hard truth, that the contrast for me between what I feel and experience with my boys and the pain and angst that their mother puts me through almost seems like it should defy a law of physics or something. Its just that profound.

I basically believe that we are put here on the Earth to learn lessons. Our souls select us and our lives to advance on their journey toward 'enlightenment' - or something like that. If that's the case I really hope my soul is a fast learner so I can have some peace again soon.

quote:

Originally posted by MBM:
To be clear, the gist of my issues have to do with my judgment around women, I think. Herein lies the crux of yet another fundamental paradox for me. For me, it is quite clear that all of these attributes are terminally suspended during the courting process with women! Apparently, I become the most emotional, perhaps even superficial, man on the planet.

But the good news is that you're not alone. A lot of people's judgement gets clouded, and even wiped out completely, the moment they think they've found the next "love of their life." I think the key to being more objective is to slow down by not rushing into an intimate relationship before you've gotten a chance to really get to know someone.

Why you keep gettin' married?

Just curious.

quote:

Originally posted by MBM:



This leads me to the third, perhaps most profound, and clearly the most painful paradox in my life. My two oldest sons have been, since the moment they arrived on the planet, two of the most brilliant stars in my life. They made me into a father - fulfilling an almost lifelong dream to have sons. It continues to absolutely amaze me that they can be such beacons of love and goodness and joy for me, despite being a product of a relationship with the single worst person I've ever known. Now maybe that's a strong statement. Maybe, it's not even true - analytically speaking. Maybe I met someone in the 1970's who has become a raving lunatic mass murderer or something, I don't know. But it is a fact, a cold hard truth, that the contrast for me between what I feel and experience with my boys and the pain and angst that their mother puts me through almost seems like it should defy a law of physics or something. Its just that profound.

MBM I can certainly relate to this part of what you have shared with us. The relationship between my son's father and I have been a difficult one to say the least. What's helped me deal with him is remembering that it was already decided that he and I would bring forth life...it wasn't about me choosing to date him, it wasn't about him choosing to date me, it wasn't an accident, it wasn't fate...it was part of my Creater's plan. So now, instead of arguing with him or letting him push my buttons, I ask "God, what am I supposed to learn from this"? There is a lesson in everything and I know now that only the two of us could have made this amazing little boy who have taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.
Also, (and this has been hard) anytime I feel myself getting angry with him I stop and pray for him. It's hard to pray for someone that you are upset with, but I found that when I pray for my son's father, what hh has done (or not done in most cases) becomes so unimportant.
I'm not the most religious woman in the world but I have a very spiritual nature. For me, everything comes back to prayer.

I have tried MY very BEST to stay outta this thread...! I mean, every Man lives by some sort of 'rules.' One of the basic rules that I try to live by, is that I never speak unless spoken to.

And no one has been spoken to specifically in this thread...however, Brother MBM, I can feel YOUR pain. And hopefully MY observation's will offer some relief.

I'VE been married twice and do have Children therefore, I'M more than capable of relating to the breadth and depth of YOUR expression(s.)

(Generally, it takes a lotta courage for any man to open up this type of subject matter first of all...and courage I can respect.)

Ultimately, WE can be very hard on OURSELVES as opposed to any true 'culprit' that may exist.

But Let's first consider the ambiguity of life itself. Would life offer up such sharp contrast(s) in hue-man interaction if the rulers that rule did not rule?

WE must try to be extremely discerning in 'self-evaluation' when ever using an already tainted yard-stick or, barometer 'given' to US by 'this' dominate culture. (I think.)

Because ultimately WE"VE the propensity to 'judge' OUR station in life (Family included,) by the ware(s) of the dominate culture, WE can very well be prone to mis-judge or, 'over' judge that station wherewith even OUR Children suffer.

Of course WE'RE all aware, (or should be,) that life does not conform itself to man. Therefore WE must be uniquiely agile in throwing or recieving a punch.

Just because society say's 2.5 children in a nuclear family is preferred and more readily respectable, equates to a poor example of genuine conditions when considering a Man's willingness to love or not love as he so chooses or is able. See what I'M saying?

Right or wrong, a Woman's feelings cannot be regulated by 'standards' therefore WE must be willing to accept HER as SHE is, just as WE are willing to accept the good and the bad about OURSELVES and continue to 'grow' in this life.

(Sorry I did'nt mean to get that deep.)

But OUR Women suffer the same confusion that WE do and understandably so. (And this is why relationships don't 'work,' cause EVERYBODY is confused! in MY view.)

'Relationship's' are difficult at best in this life if YOU consider what they're up against. Just turn on the T.V. (if YOU watch the thing,) what in the newsmagazines or talk shows or, soap operas or game shows are conducive to 'healthy relationships?'

Isn't T.V. (all mass media,) in sharp contrast or, 'paradox' in relation to it's OWN 'standards?'
(Or, the standards of this society?)

Don't be so hard on YOURSELF Bruh....the world ain't perfect.....no matter WHAT they say!



ROARIN........

Sometimes things happen to us in spite of us...good...and bad.

They should all be learning experiences.

Evaluating those results is a critcal part of that learning.

I often think I am alive in spite of myself.

That's good.

It is good that you see the 'good side'...benefits of life-experience.

PEACE

Jim Chester

It seems that we look at others in our lives and say "I want what they have!" without really knowing what it takes to have it... We assume that we can just follow in their footsteps and and everything should be okay... Right? Well, what I have begun to notice is that we don't really know what their footsteps were since we weren't there (especially in the case of parents/grandparents)We only see the part from when we came into their lives until present... We have not seen the road that they traversed prior to our arrival and/or the conditions they were under when did... rocky or otherwise... So the steps that we follow represent only a portion of the way...

To be sure, relationships are no picnic, but neither is the process of picking and getting to know, a mate... Of this I am positive...

As far as your ex is concerned, her "wounds" are still fresh, just because you have moved on doesn't mean that she has...

I would assume that she loves you son's too, and you should remind her (calmly) that when she acts out against you, she acts out against them as well... Son's need their fathers regardless of the circumstances...

Good comment Brother AG.

quote:

To be clear, the gist of my issues have to do with my judgment around women, I think. Herein lies the crux of yet another fundamental paradox for me. On the one hand, in my professional life, I pride myself on being smart, logical, thoughtful, methodical, analytical; these are attributes that I hold dear in how I conceive of myself and what I offer the world: clarity, judgment, strategic thinking etc. For me, it is quite clear that all of these attributes are terminally suspended during the courting process with women! Apparently, I become the most emotional, perhaps even superficial, man on the planet. Now, to be sure, ALL judgment and reason do not leave me, but let's just say that I have made some profound errors in judgment as it relates to the elective personal relationships in my life. Eek

....Most definitely ~ Bro...YOU are not alone!!!! And even though it is not easy to do....your ex needs to get over it and hopefully shes' not using the boys to get back at you. I have no idea how old they are...but they will make their own conclusions about you regardless of what she exibits.