cliff note version:
men think differently than women!

The wise woman wishes to be no one's enemy, the wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim. -Maya Angelou

As I was beating around the bush.........yes

I can't count the number of times I've been "convicted" based upon what she knew I was thinking. Never mind what I said.

Here is one my cousin sent me:

"Communication Problem"

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

This isn't a joke, it's a news of the weird, from Australia Blind, disabled 'should be able to fly':

By MATTHEW DENHOLM Work and Family Reporter
27sep02
THE physically and mentally disabled may no longer be barred from becoming pilots or air traffic controllers.

Eyesight and other medical tests imposed on flight crew have been found to be in breach of anti-discrimination laws.

The finding, by the Federal Attorney General's Department has created fears air safety regulators will be hit with discrimination complaints.

Civil Aviation Safety Authority lawyers have made an urgent application to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission for an exemption from federal Sex and Disability Discrimination Acts.

Under CASA rules, pilots, flight navigators, flight engineers and air traffic controllers must past strict eyesight and hearing tests.

They are also refused licences if they have heart, respiratory, immune system and blood pressure conditions which could affect safety.

In some cases, pregnant women or those with severe menstrual problems can also be barred.

CASA is confident the commission will back its call for an exemption to allow the medical standards to continue.

But its application – subject to a commission inquiry – is complicated by union fears about a wider agenda.

CASA plans to subject cabin crew to medical tests similar to those applied to pilots.

The Flight Attendant's Association fears the tests could be used to exclude crew who are overweight, short or suffer from minor complaints such as asthma.

"We don't want a one-size fits all medical approach," association official Guy Mclean said. The union has sought talks with the commission to discuss CASA's bid for an exemption to the discrimination Acts.

And it wants CASA to clarify its plans.

CASA spokesman Peter Gibson warned any delay to the granting of an exemption could leave the way open to discrimination complaints.

"Clearly it's in our interests for the commission to make a determination as soon as it possibly can," he said.

"Without [enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't guarantee that pilots were safe to carry out their jobs."

Blacks to whites:

COLOR
When I was born, I was black.
When I grow up, I'm black.
When I'm ill, I'm black.
When I go out in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I die, I'm black.

But you -

When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you're ill, you're green.
When you go out in the sun, you go red.
When you're cold, you go blue.
When you die, you're purple.

And you have the nerve to call me colored?

S t . M o m ' s W o r t

Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
_____________________________

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
_____________________________

P e p t o b i m b o

Liquid silicone for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
and improves flirting.
______________________________

D u m e r o l

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
of country western music.
______________________________

F l i p i t o r

Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.
______________________________

A n t i b o y o t i c s

When administered to teenage girls, is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
______________________________

M e n i c i l l i n

Potent antiboyotic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lines as, "You
make me want to be a better person ...
can we get naked now?"
______________________________

B u y a g r a

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
______________________________

Extra Strength Buy-One-all

When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
or a book by Dr. Laura.
______________________________

J a c k A s s p i r i n

Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
______________________________

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.
______________________________

S e x c e d r i n

Bedroom aerosol spray for men.
More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
______________________________

R a g a m e t

When administered to a husband, provides the
same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
herself.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night
and in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and no cars
went by, the
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of
him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy
without thinking
about it got in the car closes the door just to realize
there's nobody
behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at
the road and sees
a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for
his life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the
curve, a hand
appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy,
paralyzed in terror
watched how the hand appears every time they are before a
curve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to
the nearest
town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two
shots of
tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went
through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was
crying and
wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina
and one said to
the other. "Look Pepe, that's the weird nut that jumped in
the car when we
were
pushing it."

An 92 year old man meets a 19 year old woman in a bar. After several drinks, the couple hurries out of the bar, runs across the street into the motel. They get a room and can bearly contain themselves. They get in the room, fall on the bed and begin passionately kissing. Off come the clothes and after some effort, the old man enters his young mate.

After several hours of wild sex, the old man looks over and says," Dearly, you were so tight. I'm sorry. If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken my time and made love to you right." The young woman just laughed and said, "Old man, if I had known you could get it up, I would have taken off my panty-hose."

* marriage=the most expensive way to get your laundry and house cleaned for free

* first guy: "My wife is an angel"
second guy: "Man you lucky, cuz my wife is still alive"

* Having sex with your pregnant wife, is like putting gas in your car after you wrecked it

That is just plain gross

Yes but it was funny

Jim went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Jim that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance...

I think that that's actually a Dave Barry column. It's very clever.

Sorry about that last post. It was supposed to go somewhere else. As you can tell, I'm pretty new here and haven't learned my way around yet.

welcome to the boards Melesi!! you'll get the hang of it.

you have 60 mins after you post to go back and edit something you've posted or even delete it if it hasn't been replied to. you can try on those above if you still have time. other wise you can send a private message to MBM (the host) and ask them to be removed. OR--we can just save them for prosperity!!!

welcome!!

Don't make me come down there. --God

quote:

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Originally posted by Nykkii:
OR--we can just save them for prosperity!!!

---

Posterity too!

LOL

ok..u got jokes!!!

even having spell check wouldnt have helped me on that one!

Don't make me come down there. --God

1. You can kill your own food.

2. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

3. You know stuff about military tanks.

4. You can open your own jars.

5. A five-day vacation takes one suitcase.

6.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

8. If a friend forgets to invite you to something, he's still your friend.

9. Your underwear is cheap.

10. If you are 34 and single, nobody cares.

11. Everything on your face stays its original color.

12. You never use the passenger-side brake pedal.

13. Three pairs of shoes are enough.

14. You can watch an entire game without talking and never think, "He must be mad at me."

15. Your friends never trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"

16. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.

17. You don't have to know more than five colors.

18. The same hairstyle lasts for years.

19. You don't have to shave below your neck.

20. Belching can be fun.

Thanks, Nykkii. It's good to be here.