Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put
to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with
everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the
answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price.

First, the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights
of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was
horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,
made obscene noises ... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant
creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure
such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that
nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants is
to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch
granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch
put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.

The hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience,
entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him!

The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that
since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would
henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other
half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be
during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a
beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy
of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch,
but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own
choice.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.


What is the moral of this story?

The moral is: If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

Don't make me come down there. --God

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Don't make me come down there. --God

[This message was edited by Nykkii on October 14, 2002 at 12:54 PM.]

The CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes , "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had
a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?".
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear – everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie -- the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story:

Even when the man is listening, he's still going to be wrong.

TeeHeee, yuk, yuk, yuk yuk yuk, !!

Now that was funny, I need to steal, I mean borrow this if you don't mind.......

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have been killed, and over a million injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money.

The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

Don't make me come down there. --God

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park....

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.... The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and the same again....

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there....

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers..."why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered:
"Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

A cab driver stops to pick up a nun in a rather seedy neighborhood. As she gets into the cab the cabbie catches a flash of thigh peeking out from underneath her habit. The cabbie gets to thinking, "Hummm, I wonder?" So he asks the nun, "Sister, do nuns think about sex?" The nun answered, "Well, certainly. But we are the brides of Christ, so until that day, we abstine."

The cab then asks, "Well, can you kiss?" And the nun responds, "Well, I see nothing wrong with a kiss." Emboldened the cabbie asks the Nun for a kiss.

The nun tells the cabbie, "I would only kiss a man who is a devout Catholic, has never been married and has no children." The cabbie smiles and says, "You're in luck Sister, I'm a devout Catholic, have no children and have never been married."

So the nun gives the cabbie a full on wet kiss.

As they pull up to the Nun's stop, the Cabbie stricken with guilt says, "Sister, I lied to you. I'm really a married Baptist with 4 children. Will you please forgive me? You see since I was young, I've had this fantasy about Nuns." The Nun looks over her shoulder and says, "Of course I'll forgive you, if you forgive me. You see, actually my name is Steve and I'm on my way to a costume party.""

RemoteControlForMen.jpg (49 Kb, 78 downloads) Newest in Remote Controls

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Oh, wait, you misread it...

please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

MEN--is this true??? hehehehe

holiday warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whipsering when you are not--cheers!

knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

LOL

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Nykkii:
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


Oh, wait, you misread it...

please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

MEN--is this true???

---

No, she could be short......

holiday warning: the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whipsering when you are not--cheers!

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.
The old man said, "Thank you," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him again and walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."
The Marine, somewhat annoyed at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you again tomorrow, Sir!

Mathematical Proof!

La Femme Nkechi

Be the change in the world you want to see

Girls_Are_Evil.bmp (586 Kb, 42 downloads) Girls Are Evil

Can I get an Amen .........

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following is part of an open letter to Dr Laura penned by a listener, which was posted on the Internet:

---

Dear Dr Laura:

...learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them.

• I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
  
  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  
  
• I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24).
  
  The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
  
  
• Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.
  
  Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
  
  
• I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
  
  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
  
  
• A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
  
  I don't agree. Can you settle this?
  
  
• Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
  
  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
  
  
• Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
  
  How should they die?
  
  
• I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  
  
• My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
  
  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16)
  
  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
  
  
• When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
  
  Should I smite them?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

---

At a recent medical convention, a British doctor bragged, In England, the state of medicine is so advanced, we can transplant a kidney into a patient and they're up and looking for work in 12 months!"

To this, an Indian doctor replied, "That's nothing. In my beloved India, we can do a lung transplant and the patient will be up and looking for work in 6 months!"

To this, a Russian doctor stated, "Well, in my beloved Russia, we have taken half a heart from one patient and transplanted it into a second patient, and they're both up and looking for work in three months!"

Not to be outdone, an American doctor said, "Hey boys, that's nothing. In the good ole US of A, we took an A--Hole from texas, put him in the White House and Hell, by next month we'll all be looking for work!"

[This message was edited by Kweli4Real on January 29, 2003 at 02:34 PM.]