On the outside looking in. . .



In this thread I'll share what it's like [for me] as my friend goes through the most difficult challenge yet. . .

cancer. . .

the worse kind.

This friend [who I'll refer to as J], is a woman in her 30s . . .who was recently diagnosed with cancer in the brain, lungs, and uterus. . .

That said. . .

many prayers & positive vibrations her way.

In a sense, this thread will be therapeutic for me, but as I go along. . .comments, advice or any suggestions are welcomed.
(the tree pic is one of many that I took on the day I heard the bad news).

trees3.jpg (99 Kb, 245 downloads)

I came across the following information in the health food store that I frequent:

Alternative Cancer Therapies

'cancer can be controlled'

Also help for Arthritis, Diabetes, MS & Heart Disease.

CANCER CONTROL SOCIETY

Information available through Memberships, Doctor Directory, Patent List, Cancer Book House, Videos, Conventions and Clinic Tours.

CancerControlSociety.com

There is hope! Many people have found several possible approaches to the cancer problem such as:

1) Non-toxic Therapies including Laetrile, Gerson, Hoxsey, Oxygen, Vaccines, Whestgrass, Enzymes and Supplements including Phytochemicals -- all currently suppressed in this country.

2) Eating naturally grown foods and avoiding carcinogens.

3) Getting non-invasive immunio-Diagnostic Tests regularly

4) A new evaluation of life minimizing stress and getting plenty of sleep, exercise and natural light

This is just FYI.

*C.C.S. is a non-profit tax exempt educational Society supported by memberships and donations.

I'm happy to report that my friend Joy [she says that I can use her real name in my blog] is doing well. . .family & friends have all rallied around her with support. I'm amazed by the FAITH these folks have, it's truly a beautiful thing to see.

I feel relieved and hopeful. . .

most of all, I am very much PROUD of those I call 'friend.'

Different day, different thoughts, different vibe. . .

heck, even the trees are greener.



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I have stopped feeling 'afraid' for my friend [for now], the fear I once felt has been replaced by hope.

Yes, I am hopeful these days.

And I have joined in this fight of hers. In my mind I am 'saddled up' ready to do battle, armed with faith, hope, love & prayers [in the literal sense of the words]. . .

while I know this may all sound very cliché, it's the truth.

Nearly everyday, I am pleasantly surprised by the courage I see in my friend. I look at her and think how brave she is in the face of all this. . .and I can't help but wonder. . .

if I'm even HALF the woman she is.

What I know for sure, though, is this. . .

through my friend Joy, I'm learning MORE & MORE about courage, faith and Love [again, literally].

Three words I hadn't thought much about until lately, until 'after' Joy called me up and told me that she had cancer [in the brain, lung & uterus].

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Fabulous,

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Chemotherapy is a bitch.



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chemotherapy leaves some folk deathly ill.



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folks like Joy



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I saw Joy today and found myself shocked by her appearance. In 3 days [since I last saw her] she has completely lost the hair on her head, as well as her eyebrows & eyelashes -- all gone.

The hair on her head has been falling out in chunks for a while, so I knew it was coming. . .

Normally, we'd discuss this new addition [the stylish wig she wore] but I was at a lost for words and so it seemed. . .was she.

My sisterfriend, confidante, buddy; homegirl...looked weak, tired & aged. All I could do was hug her. . .shocked again by the fragile boniness I felt through her clothes. She had this 'look' about her that scared me.

I wish I could DO something. . .

But there's NOTHING and I'm not accustomed to feeling as helpless as I do.

Today, there was nothing to say. . .neither one of us said a word. We just sat on the couch and I held her. . .

listening to her breathe.



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I drove Joy to her treatment/appt today because she can no longer drive herself. And 'no doubt' this is a trip that I dread. I dread seeing so many folks waiting their turn for chemo.

How is it that so many ppl are coming down with cancer? What the F is going on?

And I hate hospitals. Do y'all have any idea how much I hate HOSPITALS???? Heck, I don't even 'like' being around sick people.

When someone coughs without covering their mouth, OMG!!!! I almost freak out. I feel contaminated, exposed to heaven knows what. I don't want folks touching me. No, I DO NOT wanna shake anybody's hand. Is it asking too much to quietly slip in & out of a hospital without encountering sick people???????

"why am I here? I don't belong here."

Joy: Fab, you don't have to wait with me, you can leave.

Ah, yes. . .

Joy.

How could I forget? NOBODY wants to be here. . .not even Joy. Who the hell am I to complain about any damn thing, when Joy HAS to be here. No, ifs ands or buts about it.

So I pull it together and prepare myself to wait the hours it would take.

Joy: Fab, did you hear me? You can go, you don't have to wait.

Me: Nah gurl, it's cool, I'm not going anywhere.



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"Sometimes I wonder how long it'll be before he leaves me for someone healthy."

I opened my mouth to speak but...but I find I am speechless.

This was not what I expected to hear from joy today. Joy & her significant other have been together 7 years. . .at one time they talked of marriage, but not so much the last few years.

My throat was bone dry, but somehow I managed to say something like. . .

"I don't see him leaving you. . .try not to worry about it. . .you don't need the stress."

She goes on, "Well, I've thought about it ... a LOT. . .and it could happen. He could leave me for a woman who doesn't have my health issues."

I could feel the frown on my face.

"true enough. He could leave you. and he could also STAY and continue to be supportive like he's been doing. Try not to dwell on 'what IF,' OK? I know that's easier said than done. . .and I know what you're saying is a possibility. . .but lets focus on the positive. it's healthier. Hey, I have an idea. If you're up to it, lets get up real early tomorrow and drive to the beach. We can watch the sun rise and drink cappuccino. I've always wanted to do that. ANDDDDD, just think. . .it'll be pretty damn cold at 5am. . .'freezing' in fact....you'll thank me."

"Fab, you are crazy. . .you know that dontcha?"

I roll my eyes and smile.

She says, "I can't make any promises but I'll try. Call me in the morning." Absentmindedly, she touches the wig on her head.

the woman had a different style [wig] for every day of the week.

"I surely will call you. . .early."

gathering my things to leave, I'm downhearted by the time I reach the door. . .

turning, I blow her a kiss. . .

She smiles.

And, G.d help me, I'm thinking to myself. . ."if he leaves her. . .

that will really suck BIG TIME."



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OK, so, I knew chances were slim to none. . .joy would accompany me to the beach this morning. Yes, I called at 5 am and yes, she was still asleep.

But, I decided to go anyway and I'm glad that I did. It was such a peaceful time in the morning for me. I ran for about 45 minutes, then sat down in the sand to absorb the natural beauty of it all [for two whole hours]. It was refreshing. I felt good, renewed, relaxed, and yes - strong.

Check out the pics I took:



TheBeach01.jpg (27 Kb, 94 downloads)

It was beautiful out there.



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I felt appreciative of the little things in life. . .



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And, I wasn't alone, as you can see.



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I opened my heart and let all the beauty of nature flow in. It was very liberating.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Fabulous,

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It was cold, though.



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Through my eyes. . .



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Although my friend Joy wasn't there with me [like all of you], she WILL get a chance to see what I saw.

Have a good day everyone and don't forget to take time out to enjoy those little things in life...

those things that don't cost ya nuthin'.



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As I watch my friend suffer with this illness, I feel like crying like a baby. But I tell myself I won't cry. . .

there's no time for crying, she doesn't need crybabies right now.

The little girl in me is afraid for her. . .just like when I was about 7 years old and found myself lost in a mortuary. . .I had wondered off and couldn't find my family. . .

I tried to find the exit but behind every door, there was death (via a human corpse). So I ran to get away from the dead bodies I saw, who I thought were actually chasing me. I remember the fear quite well. . .

I found refuge in a storage room, and when I heard footsteps approaching, I decided right then & there, I was gonna fight the dead folk off with a broom someone had left in the room.

afraid, but fighting off the dead people. . .

the reality is. . .I can't fight THIS fight, instead, I am brought to my knees with fear and a feeling of helplessness.

this is not the first time I've watched someone close fight a seemingly losing battle. . .

this is not the first time my heart has been torn apart

this is not the first time I wanted to cry like a baby.

No, this is not the first time. . .

but no matter how many times a person goes through something like this. . .you absolutely NEVER, EVER get used to it.

((((((((((((Joy))))))))))))))))))



raindrops representing the tears I can't shed. I took this picture when it was raining heavily (a few weeks ago). . .I thought it would be cool to capture the raindrops. . .

instead, it was miserable & cold & wet.

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